Finding Small Hope

I peek my eyes open, blinded by the sunlight. I didn't go to school today. It's been two weeks since Jake's told me about his family back in California. I haven't been much help to him. I look at him differently, his walls fell down and now I just see him so broken. I'm not saying I don't love him, I think it's the nerves of how to act. I feel almost the same when I was younger and the house was quiet after Cameron - how do you smile and laugh after tragedies? 

I roll over to my empty bed, missing Jake. I picture his morning smile and closed eyes. He could always feel me looking at him, and why wouldn't I? He's beautiful. I know he feels the distance I have placed, his texts show he's trying to save us but not trying to push me. We don't talk about anything particular, not like we use to. Now we just dance around our days. Skimming on the surface, not wanting to duck too deep. Fear of drowning I guess. I squeeze my eyes shut until they hurt hoping, just hoping they'll stay close. I can't fall asleep only takes a moment for me to push myself to sit up. I rest against one arm, rubbing my sleep with the other. I know I'm slowly making my way to open my phone. I'm just disconnected. I'm also mad at Jake for loving me then breaking me with horrible news. I'm glad I know his past but he was my saving grace, he was a light of hope I hadn't seen in years. Now to know he comes from a past like mine, I'm losing faith in anything being good in this world. 

  "Skipping school isn't the answer to anything," Lemon swings my bedroom door open and hops through the room, landing on my bed next to me.

"What?" Slightly confused on what question I was answering sitting at home. I haven't told Lemon anything. Which isn't like me at all, she knows everything - but I wasn't ready to share secrets that weren't mine. Plus I've never had anything bad to say about Jake. He's literally been the perfect boyfriend during this past year and a half. Always smiling and laughing, being the perfect gentleman who sneaks in my bedroom almost every night. Loving me dearly throughout all the days we've shared - through good and bad days. And he's never made me wonder if he was fully in our relationship. Now here I sit probably deserving the worst girlfriend of the award treating him this way.

"C'mon Bethany. Don't ever act like I don't know you." She rolls her eyes. I smile some, a softness to hope she'll ease up. She's such a free spirit most of the time she'll just sit with me. All my "in need moments" have been us just sitting on my balcony, letting the wind whistle through the trees. Sometimes I would just need another spirit sitting with me, so you don't feel so alone. Getting lost inside my thoughts is a scary thing, and I could lose myself easier knowing she was there, any moment to say something random or make a movement. Bringing me back to the present. 

"I'm not trying to answer anything - just trying to hide I suppose," I say it low, looking away from her green eyes. It's so hard keeping myself buried away from them. 

"I'll hide with you." I snap up looking at her. She reaches her hand over and places it on my blanket where my leg is underneath. Tears cloud my eyesight and I smile. She moves to the bathroom shutting the door. I take the brief moment to glance at my phone. Feeling my need for Jake heighten. I see lucky 13 text messages awaiting me. I glance through - Lemon, Brad, Becca, Lacy, finally Jake's. Four from him: #1 - Good morning doll #2 - I'll see you soon? I suppose since I'm not getting a response I'll head to face a school day without you. Text if you ned me, please. #3 - Pulling up to the parking lot doesn't seem real without you. I do think this has been the first day I've been without you since we started this whole boyfriend and girlfriend quest. #4 - Since I haven't heard from you I'll assume you're sleeping. At least I'm hoping for sleep and not avoidance. But I want you to join me for dinner. I'll come over and cook or I'll take you out. Please respond. I guess he gave up though that text was only an hour ago, the others had only let 20 minutes at most pass. A dark cloud floats pass, lingering above. 

"Hey have you ever felt bad for not knowing the next step?" I shoot to Lemon, who seems to be taking her precious time in the bathroom.

"What? Next step for what?" She pops out and walks over. Plopping herself onto the bed once more.

"Anything..." I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to make words connect in a way she'll understand me. "In a friendship, relationship, school, life. I don't know. Have you ever just felt lost?" I'm not making sense and I feel bad. While it's silent for a moment I reply to Jake as quickly as possible. Sorry for the delay and not answering this morning. Too much in my mind, weighing me down. I must have drowned last night and couldn't get up this morning. I'd love to go with you somewhere tonight. See you soon have a wonderful day, facing the hallways of school without me. 

"If I understand you correctly, the answer would be yes. After uh, Cameron, well I never thought I'd see you smile again...or if I would be able to make a difference for you. I felt lost in  black sea. I can't explain it probably the way you can't ask. The future is funny that way I suppose. Nothing makes sense until you're living it - then it's not the future anymore." She laughs innocently. Her words tricking me into believing that nothing should ever be so overthought as mine right now. 

"For the most part all that seems exactly where I was trying to lead my question." 

"I'm glad I could be of whatever help I just gave." We laugh and she falls backward on my other pillow. "I don't ever remember us having a conversation so in depth." Her words hold a sadness.

"No I guess we haven't," not knowing what else to say as her words have caught me off guard. "I haven't meant for that to be the case. I'm sorry."

"It's okay I just never expected you to ever really talk too deep after, well you know." Tailing off, her sentence, it hurts. Is this what my best friend has thought of me for all these years? I'm just a lost cause? I'm incapable of depth in my heart and soul?

"I have never pictured myself without depth," I finally see my walls from her point of view. I must seem so awful. Never opening up to my best friend. Allowing her to just ever sit with me while I let my thoughts open up only within myself. I guess I always thought that was enough. Here I see my dear friend sharing a part of her fear with me and i'm able to use it to see a piece of myself through her. 

"Well I don't see you without depth - you have oceans of depth." She laughs again and brushes her forehead with her hand, a moment to hide. We as humans love a moment to hide, especially ourselves. I know I've been hiding myself for as long as I could remember. In turn I've only hurt myself. Because I've missed the moments of laughing and smiling as much as I've meant to, soaking in the moments of happiness. I've kind of went along with everyone else's moments, as if I'm laughing through them. Moments of just existing there, feeling their emotions and burying my own. I wonder after all this time if I'm allowed to find myself, or even if I could find her.

"I like the sound of oceans deep." I fall next to Lemon on my other pillow. "I feel better."

"I didn't say before, but I saw the little girl who was lost all those years ago, a little over a year she came back." I hear her voice shake and my breaking heart skips a beat. I sadly know she means Jake entering my life changed me. I knew it changed me then, but I can only imagine letting my childhood friend, who thought I was lost forever, see me again. See the change in me, because I felt it on the inside while she saw it on the outside.

"I'm sorry Lemon I've never let you. I didn't know I was holding back. You've always been there for me and I couldn't be more grateful." I let my hand find her and squeeze tight.

"I'm just glad you came back. If anyone deserves it, you do." For the first time in a long time we sit in the silence with each other. Letting the rest of the world spin without us in it. We just have each other, just like when we were younger and we should have been playing dolls but were only starring at my ceiling because I didn't know how to be a normal young girl. Lemon decided back then to go through life with me, an abnormal life. Our abnormal life together. I smile because I finally see no matter what I'll never be alone, in actuality I have never been alone. Lemon has always been family, just like Brad. Now I have Jake. I just hope I can find a place for his past in my head. I have to find a place for it, he's always found a place for me. Just as Lemon and Brad have. It's just weird to know my childhood isn't as bad as it can get. Knowing people go through worse is a scary thought. Our world skims with all kinds of pain, it's the point - our point to find the light within the dark. Because even the smallest light can find it's way through the blackest of nights, just find the cracks.