Blooming Shadows

Standing in the mirror, my eyes stay focused on my hair - half waving, half straight. I can't make it do either all the way. A whole year and a half dating this man, and I can't seem to shake these butterflies in my stomach. They continue to fuss inside me, not being able to find an escape. I try closing my eyes and breathing deep, opening my eyes to a mess with my hair. It's like another girl woke this morning and she's appeared on the outside of my body instead of the bright eyed girl I'm use to seeing. I redo my make up 3 times before I just give up all together. Okay girl you have got to get yourself together. It's just Jake! Just Jake! Chill out and breath - he loves you, you love him. It'll go great - just fringing relax! I scream the words inside my head. Leaning over the bathroom sink, ducking my head down to stare at the ivory color and the clear silver. Seeing my face extremely tiny inside the facet. "I hope you look better in that world than over here." I say aloud.

"What?" Lemon pokes her head inside the bathroom, I spin around leaning against the sink to steady my turn.

"Oh nothing - I was just trying to give myself a pep talk." I smile.

"Okay but Bethany you should never need one of those."

"What? Everyone needs a pep talk at least once a day."

"Yeah sure but you're not everyone. You're like this girl who use to be a princess back in every past life she has ever had." Lemon steps all the way inside the bathroom and turns me around to face the mirror again. She runs her hands through my hair. I get instant chills. Playing with my hair feels so amazing, though I think it's that way for all girls. I'm the only one I know who gets visible chill bumps. I always say to myself it's because neither one of my parents played with my hair as a child. I can remember them checking for ticks after a long day of Cameron and I playing outside, in the woods and the fields behind and beside our house. I had just gotten to the age of wanting Mom to braid my hair and Dad brush it after a hot bath when Cameron left us. Everything good seem to go with him at that age. Lemon continues to smooth my hair, using my straightener every few moments. Giving my half waves, fullness. After my hair looks amazing she moves to sweep my face with loose powder then bronzer around my cheek bones and chin. Brushing my eyebrows, and blending my dark eye shadow with a tan color. Now my smoky eyes look smoky instead of scary. Finally she lines my lips with a light lip gloss. "There see - you're perfect as always."

"Thanks Lemon. I actually look like myself now." Which I do, I see myself and not the homely girl who stared at my only a few minutes ago. 

"Now what are you going to wear?" She moves into my closet. Not once asking why tonight was so different from all the other date nights Jake and I had went on. She just acts as if this were mine and his first night out together. She had helped me this same exact way. Though the mood was much more giggling and what if's were flying out of our mouths every other sentence. I smile thinking of that magical night. I follow Lemon into the closet, watching her already scanning through my clothes.

"Why haven't you asked me why I'm being weird about tonight?" I lean against the framing of my closet and look at Lemon. She stops searching through my clothes and turns my way.

"We may not discuss things like normal girlfriends, but I know when something is different. I know you have a reason behind what you're feeling. I'm not here to judge or question you. I'm your best friend and in that role I just act without hounding you for information." She smiles and goes right back to looking in my clothes. "Here perfect." She pulls out my turquoise romper. It's usually my always go to outfit. Pulls my tan out and highlights my auburn hair and eyes. "And this," she hands me both my romper and my cream colored shaw, which has arm holes and lays over my front longer than my back. I use to call it my protection. When I felt nervous or insecure I would wrap it around my body and feel pretty again. Lemon is the only person in the whole world who knows that secret. Jake doesn't even know, which now a days Jake didn't know a lot about what's going on inside my life. I have a feeling he wouldn't be as chill about me not talking as Lemon is being. Though they are both my best friend in life, Jake is titled twice so I'm sure he'll always want more information from me. Which I can't blame him - I want more from him as well - I expect more. I don't agree with people saying not to expect things from anyone and you'll never be disappointed. That's not the point of relationships. Or friendships. Expectation is the result of responsibility. And loving people and having them in your life gives them responsibility. Never give let people off the hook because there's a stupid saying out there saying it's your fault for expecting something from someone. 

"Thanks for being my support, Lemon. You're always this amazing light that seems to lead me home." I walk over and take the clothes she's holding up and imaging me or herself wearing them. I hug her almost smacking myself in the face with the hangers, I laugh and she follows. Even if we are laughing at separate things, we are together on the same happy road and in the end that's really the only thing that matters.

"Okay go get ready, he'll be here soon and you still need jewelry." She slaps my butt playfully and I scurry off to my bathroom portion of the room. Not shutting the door - because frankly I know how scary it is in my closet with the door shut. Even though it's large in size there's no windows, maybe that's only frightening to me, but I didn't want to pretend she feels differently about being in a cage than me. I slip my tee over my head and pull my shorts off. Stepping into my romper and pulling it up. One arm at a time through the tank sleeves of the romper. Lastly slinging on my shaw. I feel ready. I peak back in to tell Lemon I don't need jewelry but she's already walking to me. "Here." She hooks my triple silver chains holding a turquoise emerald, and hands me my double ring that holds an anchor with a turquoise rope that weaves in and out of the anchor. I set it on my left hand, finishing off my look with my rose colored Michael Kors watch. 

"I think I'm ready." I smile to Lemon. 

"I agree, and good thing because he'll be here any minute. Text me later with details." She hollers as she disappears out of my bathroom. I turn to return to my closet to my full length mirror. Twisting and turning to make sure I like every angle of outfit. Okay I think I feel a little better. I haven't felt my butterflies stirring up trouble in the last bit. Well that was until now, as I'm stepping into my black woven sandals. It's Jake, why am I so nervous? My thoughts are just running wild, where are we going? Is this like our first date? Is he mad with me? He won't leave me right? He said he would never leave. My heart is about to jump out of my chest.

"Oh wow, you look stunning babe." I turn sharply to see him standing in my bathroom. Fresh pressed tee, recently washed hair, tan shorts, and his feet out in some flip flops. His smile eases my nerves and feels like home again. I walk over and fall into his awaiting arms.

"You smell nice," I breath him in and feel the warmth off his skin and clothes. Goose bumps run up and down my arms, and I feel my hair growing on my legs. 

"Ready?" He pulls away and grabs my hand. I follow him out of my bathroom into the hallway. Down the stairs, out the door to his truck. He slides in behind the wheel, bringing my hand to his lips. For a sharp moment nothing seems to have changed. I feel warm and happy, mine and Jake's relationship is easy again. We ride down the road in silence. Welcoming my thoughts to travel down crazy roads. I look out the window, seeing the sunsetting into pink and purple shades. Thinking of what Jake could possible be thinking. Does he wonder about how different his life would be if his childhood would have been normal? What his personality would be like now? How his experiences would be different? "So are you feeling better?"

"Yeah, I wasn't feeling too awful earlier." I come back to the here and now. Letting my thoughts linger away.

"That's good." He stops at the stop light and places his arm behind me on my headrest.

"Hmmm uh." I agree. He presses the gas as the light turns green. 

"Well you didn't miss anything at school." 

"That's good." I notice how my emotion from the beginning of our night is quite different and we aren't even out of the car ride yet.

"It was weird being there without you of course." 

"I can't imagine." I didn't even know we were pulling into LaTera. The high windows in the front, my favorite restaurant in town because it over looks some water in the back while you eat dinner. 

"Okay," he slams into park and turns off the engine. Looking over at me, "what's wrong? And by wrong, I mean what's been going over for the last week. I know things are different. That's not why I told you about my past Bethany. It was supposed to bring us closer. Right now you are making me regret telling you and that was not the feeling I wanted afterwards." His tone is sharp, to the point. I've never heard this side of Jake before. I'm not afraid, just sad. I never would have thought I would be causing the pain that echoes through his words. I'm so ashamed.

"You're right, I'm sorry Jake." I turn in my seat, letting my left leg crease on the seat. "I have not idea why I have acted like such a jerk. Scared, confusion, I honestly do not know."

"What are you confused about?" His hand lands on my knee. Triggering my honesty to want to be heard.

"How you seem so normal, so happy. How you trust people and just go through life as if your past were just like anyone else's."

"Oh Bethany, looks can be such a trickery action. Haven't you ever heard never judge a book by it's cover?"

"Well of course, but you have hide a piece for so long I would have never guessed anything bad ever happened to you."

"That's because I choose to be happy. I want to better future for myself. What happened to me isn't going to define the rest of my life. I want to grow and explore what else life can hold. And for the most part life has been amazing. I couldn't be happier having a loving girlfriend, great friends, a future looks pretty damn great right now." His smile escalates across his face, reflecting such a beautiful happiness. I smile back, a smile I know is mine and true. One that was only brought into my life after meeting Jake. I finally see his past should be showing me how I can overcome such a tragedy happening in life. That one event no matter how big, and how sad and life changing it shouldn't take over my life. It shouldn't sever a life from blooming and growing. He is still my light of hope, here to  show me that life is about what I make it, and Jake has never acted as if he came from a bad childhood because here and now are the moments that matter. And if you don't grab them and use them to see positive gifts they'll soon be gone. Leaving darkness everywhere all the time, until there's no direction light is shining anymore. 

"You're exactly right, as always. I don't know why I'm so lucky to have you in my life and still by my side. I'm sorry for being childish." His hand finds my cheek, his thumb rubs it as I lean into him. Now I see all the questions I thought of earlier, the ones I wondered if he would ask himself, are questions I ask myself often. Something I now will get to talk to him about. I will now get to see how he lets himself be happy without drowning in what if's of the past.

"Did you see the news yet?" He asks as he turns and opens his door.

"No, why?" I follow his lead and hop out.

"There's been another murder."

"What?" I freeze as Jake walks to my side.

"Yeah, I think your Dad was defending him. Mark Aaron. He was on trial for killing that sixteen year old from the town over."

"I know what you're talking about." I zone out as I remember Dad being in his office yesterday. He was telling someone how he knew he wasn't going to win the case. Something needed to be done because Mark had admitted to committing the crime. The evidence just wasn't there for the prosecution. I feel blackness around the corners of my eyes. Whoever Dad was on the phone with has to be the person on the loose linked to these string of murders. I feel my legs leave the earth as I think about Dad being a part of it.

"Bethany?" Is the last thing I hear before everything does dark.  

Finding Small Hope

I peek my eyes open, blinded by the sunlight. I didn't go to school today. It's been two weeks since Jake's told me about his family back in California. I haven't been much help to him. I look at him differently, his walls fell down and now I just see him so broken. I'm not saying I don't love him, I think it's the nerves of how to act. I feel almost the same when I was younger and the house was quiet after Cameron - how do you smile and laugh after tragedies? 

I roll over to my empty bed, missing Jake. I picture his morning smile and closed eyes. He could always feel me looking at him, and why wouldn't I? He's beautiful. I know he feels the distance I have placed, his texts show he's trying to save us but not trying to push me. We don't talk about anything particular, not like we use to. Now we just dance around our days. Skimming on the surface, not wanting to duck too deep. Fear of drowning I guess. I squeeze my eyes shut until they hurt hoping, just hoping they'll stay close. I can't fall asleep only takes a moment for me to push myself to sit up. I rest against one arm, rubbing my sleep with the other. I know I'm slowly making my way to open my phone. I'm just disconnected. I'm also mad at Jake for loving me then breaking me with horrible news. I'm glad I know his past but he was my saving grace, he was a light of hope I hadn't seen in years. Now to know he comes from a past like mine, I'm losing faith in anything being good in this world. 

  "Skipping school isn't the answer to anything," Lemon swings my bedroom door open and hops through the room, landing on my bed next to me.

"What?" Slightly confused on what question I was answering sitting at home. I haven't told Lemon anything. Which isn't like me at all, she knows everything - but I wasn't ready to share secrets that weren't mine. Plus I've never had anything bad to say about Jake. He's literally been the perfect boyfriend during this past year and a half. Always smiling and laughing, being the perfect gentleman who sneaks in my bedroom almost every night. Loving me dearly throughout all the days we've shared - through good and bad days. And he's never made me wonder if he was fully in our relationship. Now here I sit probably deserving the worst girlfriend of the award treating him this way.

"C'mon Bethany. Don't ever act like I don't know you." She rolls her eyes. I smile some, a softness to hope she'll ease up. She's such a free spirit most of the time she'll just sit with me. All my "in need moments" have been us just sitting on my balcony, letting the wind whistle through the trees. Sometimes I would just need another spirit sitting with me, so you don't feel so alone. Getting lost inside my thoughts is a scary thing, and I could lose myself easier knowing she was there, any moment to say something random or make a movement. Bringing me back to the present. 

"I'm not trying to answer anything - just trying to hide I suppose," I say it low, looking away from her green eyes. It's so hard keeping myself buried away from them. 

"I'll hide with you." I snap up looking at her. She reaches her hand over and places it on my blanket where my leg is underneath. Tears cloud my eyesight and I smile. She moves to the bathroom shutting the door. I take the brief moment to glance at my phone. Feeling my need for Jake heighten. I see lucky 13 text messages awaiting me. I glance through - Lemon, Brad, Becca, Lacy, finally Jake's. Four from him: #1 - Good morning doll #2 - I'll see you soon? I suppose since I'm not getting a response I'll head to face a school day without you. Text if you ned me, please. #3 - Pulling up to the parking lot doesn't seem real without you. I do think this has been the first day I've been without you since we started this whole boyfriend and girlfriend quest. #4 - Since I haven't heard from you I'll assume you're sleeping. At least I'm hoping for sleep and not avoidance. But I want you to join me for dinner. I'll come over and cook or I'll take you out. Please respond. I guess he gave up though that text was only an hour ago, the others had only let 20 minutes at most pass. A dark cloud floats pass, lingering above. 

"Hey have you ever felt bad for not knowing the next step?" I shoot to Lemon, who seems to be taking her precious time in the bathroom.

"What? Next step for what?" She pops out and walks over. Plopping herself onto the bed once more.

"Anything..." I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to make words connect in a way she'll understand me. "In a friendship, relationship, school, life. I don't know. Have you ever just felt lost?" I'm not making sense and I feel bad. While it's silent for a moment I reply to Jake as quickly as possible. Sorry for the delay and not answering this morning. Too much in my mind, weighing me down. I must have drowned last night and couldn't get up this morning. I'd love to go with you somewhere tonight. See you soon have a wonderful day, facing the hallways of school without me. 

"If I understand you correctly, the answer would be yes. After uh, Cameron, well I never thought I'd see you smile again...or if I would be able to make a difference for you. I felt lost in  black sea. I can't explain it probably the way you can't ask. The future is funny that way I suppose. Nothing makes sense until you're living it - then it's not the future anymore." She laughs innocently. Her words tricking me into believing that nothing should ever be so overthought as mine right now. 

"For the most part all that seems exactly where I was trying to lead my question." 

"I'm glad I could be of whatever help I just gave." We laugh and she falls backward on my other pillow. "I don't ever remember us having a conversation so in depth." Her words hold a sadness.

"No I guess we haven't," not knowing what else to say as her words have caught me off guard. "I haven't meant for that to be the case. I'm sorry."

"It's okay I just never expected you to ever really talk too deep after, well you know." Tailing off, her sentence, it hurts. Is this what my best friend has thought of me for all these years? I'm just a lost cause? I'm incapable of depth in my heart and soul?

"I have never pictured myself without depth," I finally see my walls from her point of view. I must seem so awful. Never opening up to my best friend. Allowing her to just ever sit with me while I let my thoughts open up only within myself. I guess I always thought that was enough. Here I see my dear friend sharing a part of her fear with me and i'm able to use it to see a piece of myself through her. 

"Well I don't see you without depth - you have oceans of depth." She laughs again and brushes her forehead with her hand, a moment to hide. We as humans love a moment to hide, especially ourselves. I know I've been hiding myself for as long as I could remember. In turn I've only hurt myself. Because I've missed the moments of laughing and smiling as much as I've meant to, soaking in the moments of happiness. I've kind of went along with everyone else's moments, as if I'm laughing through them. Moments of just existing there, feeling their emotions and burying my own. I wonder after all this time if I'm allowed to find myself, or even if I could find her.

"I like the sound of oceans deep." I fall next to Lemon on my other pillow. "I feel better."

"I didn't say before, but I saw the little girl who was lost all those years ago, a little over a year she came back." I hear her voice shake and my breaking heart skips a beat. I sadly know she means Jake entering my life changed me. I knew it changed me then, but I can only imagine letting my childhood friend, who thought I was lost forever, see me again. See the change in me, because I felt it on the inside while she saw it on the outside.

"I'm sorry Lemon I've never let you. I didn't know I was holding back. You've always been there for me and I couldn't be more grateful." I let my hand find her and squeeze tight.

"I'm just glad you came back. If anyone deserves it, you do." For the first time in a long time we sit in the silence with each other. Letting the rest of the world spin without us in it. We just have each other, just like when we were younger and we should have been playing dolls but were only starring at my ceiling because I didn't know how to be a normal young girl. Lemon decided back then to go through life with me, an abnormal life. Our abnormal life together. I smile because I finally see no matter what I'll never be alone, in actuality I have never been alone. Lemon has always been family, just like Brad. Now I have Jake. I just hope I can find a place for his past in my head. I have to find a place for it, he's always found a place for me. Just as Lemon and Brad have. It's just weird to know my childhood isn't as bad as it can get. Knowing people go through worse is a scary thought. Our world skims with all kinds of pain, it's the point - our point to find the light within the dark. Because even the smallest light can find it's way through the blackest of nights, just find the cracks.

Uncovered Childhood

I'm trapped. I sit inside his stare wondering if there's anything I can say to pretend we don't keep things from each other. You know when people keep secrets it's because they don't want you to know the truth, hidden truths only mean bad news for those around. This is why I never wanted to fall in love, or depend on someone. No one is ever honest, hell I haven't been honest. I guess I had this coming. Does this mean I shouldn't be so upset about his secrets? No I do, see he knows I'm blocked off and why. He has always, always been so disgusting honest with me. Finding out he keeps things from me is like a hot iron shoved down my throat. A pain I can't get to, and I'm not the one holding the iron to pull it out. I try to swallow but it's like I'm the one in trouble, though I know he's the one hiding something behind those beautifully deep blue eyes.

"Are you breathing?" His voice is steady. Trending over my fear, I feel myself let my breath out and swallow all in the same moment. "You're shaking," he grabs my hand that's been resting on his knee but I need to wipe the hair I feel tickling my my forehead. 

"I felt a chill," I lie, horribly. I pull myself up from the floor and join him on the bed. I feel my body ache from sitting in one position which would normally be uncomfortable if I were in a better sense of my mind. 

"Okay, well do you want to continue this conversation or should I just leave?" His eyes are wild with uncertainty. I know I could never let him leave, his question wasn't just to leave for the night but to end our relationship and never speak of what hides behind his normally bright and smiling face. 

"Please don't leave," I would really like to say just hold me and we can lay in silence, no one needs to break down and let the truth slip out into reality. It would be lovely to just pretend fantasy is where we live, nothing is ever a bad talk, we all tell the truth and are accepting of each other. That we live in a world without fear, we trust in each other and ourselves. Because I know most days I question myself, like how could I trust someone so wholly that I am this shocked of his secrecy. I out of everyone should understand the need to want some privacy. I mean sometimes people don't keep things to hurt you, but because they feel it's their problem and doesn't want others to share in it. Or because we fear of not being understood. I know I feel both, how could anyone understand why I have the consist need to have answers, no one I know personally has been through anything close to what I've gone through. 

"I don't want to leave Bethany, ever. But your face is white and there hasn't been any real emotion light up anywhere for a good 15 minutes. I'm trying to respect you. If you need space for the night we can talk tomorrow." His hand finds mine and he leads one to his lips. I smile. 

"I'm just processing, I think. I'm sorry. I would like to talk now. Or else I won't sleep." We both laugh and I feel my shoulders drop. I can breath easier. 

"Okay should I just talk or do you want to ask questions?"

"I don't really know what to ask because I have no clue what brought this on or where you're going to go with this." I run my hands on the outside of his.

"I guess I see that, right well how about I just talk and if you have questions just ask them. I'll try to explain as best I can." He looks away from me, out my bedroom door, as if there will be someone to come save him from the words his about to link together to be completely honest with me.

"We don't have to talk about it, Jake. I love you and I accept you all of you." I grab his face, breaking the distance and smashing his lips into mine. I feel his tension hit my tongue and his hands grip my body. His touch is different than I've ever felt. As if he's hungry for my love in a physical form. My hands find his hair and keep his head in place. He slings me around, my legs automatically open and place themselves on either side on him. All I want is for him body to slide in, against mine. It doesn't, his head pulls away from my grip. Our breathing is short and quick, our lustful moment is trying to repress, picking back up to the matter at hand. I press my forehead against his, and laugh.

"It's hard behaving around you," his tone is soft and inviting. I look up and see his eyes calm and understanding, home to me.

"I'm sorry, I wish you wouldn't behave." And it's the truth, I suddenly feel as if I need to tell him my intentions with why I'm volunteering my time at Dad's office and such. So maybe if I can distract him he won't tell me anything and I won't need to let my demons out of hell.

"No, Bethany I want you to know. Sometimes I feel as if I'm not really here. Maybe this will help me, because I want to feel like we are a team. A team I wish my parents would have been. Not that I'm saying we are going to be parents tomorrow, but Bethany I see myself with you at that point one day in our future." He smiles and I match him because I could see me as his wife and carrying his children - years and years in our future but there's an odd feeling of knowing a person is your one.

"I love you Jake, more than anything, than words. I want to hear what you have to say. I promise at the end I'll still be here and yours." I knew this to be true because there's nothing, absolutely nothing he could say that would make me leave him. He kisses me once more, lightly sparking my wants.

"My childhood coming with some baggage I never thought I would want to unload on someone." I stop breathing again, Jake as a child. I don't think we have ever spoke about his childhood. For a moment I shame myself for not concerning myself to even ask him. Some people won't open up like I do, okay so I don't really open up either but some questions need to be asked to loved ones to get the conversation started. I'm upset with myself I never bothered to ask. Then I try to let myself relax, as this conversation is not about me. It's about Jake and what he wants, needs to share. 

"Unload it with me, I'll help you unpack." A soft smile splashes across my face.

"You would do that with me?"

"Jake if I haven't made it clear by my actions and words, I have failed as a girlfriend and I promise in the future to not make you question where I stand with and for you."

"That means so much to me, you have no idea what it feels like to have someone who wants to face this world with you. See I grew up with a Dad who only wanted drugs and alcohol, needing to beat up people he claimed to love the day before. I had an older sister who tried to protect me." Slices of tiny razors were running across my chest, clawing through towards my breaking heart. I feel myself bleeding innerly. Breaking into tiny pieces for Jake not having a childhood. Though I didn't have one either, it was a childhood of being invisible. He lived in one where he wished he would have been. A tear escapes as I try so hard to stay strong or this man, my guy tearing down his walls. "Don't cry baby," he lightly brushes my tear, drying the watering path it was trying to create.

"I'm sorry, don't worry about me. Continue, please." His face creases with concern. "Seriously Jake, a sister I've never heard of, go on." As I push he seems to relax, again I'm mad with how I am rebuilding walls he's having trouble bringing down. I don't want to be a person in his life that shuts him down. I want to be his positive light.

"My Mom tried her best to protect us, but she wasn't much better. He beat her black and blue. Now though I think she didn't have the confidence to think she was worth saving much less saving us. I finally got older and he stopped using me as a punching bag. I was young though so I didn't protect my Mom or Kara." He stops and looks down. I can see on his face how he's ashamed.

"Hey. Baby," I pull him to me and hug him. Wrapping him up tightly with my arms and legs. "You were glad to be free from his abuse. Don't blame yourself Jake, you did what was best for you."

"Don't make excuses please. Let me be on the hook. For once I need to own my rule. See Bethany that's not even the worse part." He pulls away and wipes his nose quickly. "One night Dad came home, beating Kara to the brink of death, when he grabbed the knife Mom had the gun. In one moment, one night changed my whole life. And because my Mom never went to the police it wasn't self defense. Even with my testimony and Kara's hospital visit for six weeks my Mom went to jail for manslaughter. I came here and changed my last name. My grandparents buried the stories and it never reached out here. Kara's in a mental institution, she doesn't even know who I am." He stops and emotion drops from his face. "She doesn't know who I am." Whispering the words this time, as if he were just hearing the shock himself. He falls away from me and cuddles my pillow. I crawl around his body and lay behind him. I lean up to grab the light blanket at the foot of my bed and hide us under. I don't mind being the big spoon tonight knowing he needs to feel protected. I hear his light breathing and feel him shaking slightly under me. I squeeze tightly hoping I can somehow hold him together. Two broken souls trying to let our pieces entwine to make one full whole soul. And I'm okay with that, we may never be okay as separate individuals, but together I see us conquering the world. Or maybe just our problems. I get hot, I don't know if it's because our bodies heat and the blanket or because he's dropped this bomb on me and I still haven't faced him with my secrets. I can't tell him now, but how long am I supposed to wait before telling him. It'll be tricky - it can't be too soon because I don't want to take away from his secret and it can't be too long because I can't keep my walls up after he's let his down. My breathing stops.

Hidden Secrets

As I drive home I can only think of Jake's face, his smiling face, his lightening blue eyes glistening in the summer sun. How he always takes care of me. My mind wonders to over the summer:

I climbed into bed in the afternoon, after I had taken a hot shower. Trying to clean my nose out and give my head some pressure release. Slipping under the sheets I felt save, but my body ached and wouldn't let me find comfort. Mom had been no help earlier when I told her I felt bad. She'd offered to make me a cocktail that would knock me right out. As much as I'd loved to drink, that was not the time I wanted an alcohol beverage in my system. Once just freaking once I would have loved Mom to be the adult and take care of me. But I hadn't had that Mom since Cameron. I had rolled my eyes and crawled upstairs to shower. In hopes the hot water would help me relax enough to sleep that cold away. Nothing was on TV and the sun shining through my French doors was pissing me off.

  "I've come baring gifts!" Jake had came through my bedroom door, slinging two blue plastic bags on my bed, then pulling off his backpack. 

"What are you doing here?" I smiled and sat up as much as I could.

"What? You said on Twitter you were sick. And when you weren't answering your phone afterwards I figured you could use a sick pack." He reflected my smile and began digging into one of the plastic bags.

"Sick pack?" I raised an eyebrow wondering what the heck that could be, or include.

"Of course!" He pulled out Orange Juice, NyQuil, cards, Cosmopolitan, Vicks vapor rub. Moving to his other plastic bag he pulled out US weekly, two Nerf guns, Snicker minis, and gum. Then digging into his backpack he continued to fill my bed with The Fault in Our Stars, If I Stay, Gone In Sixty Seconds, Dude Where's My Car, Jarhead, his navy football hoodie, black fuzzy socks, and a brown teddy bear. "I think I got the whole package here." He placed a hand on his hip then scratched his head with his other one. "Oh," he runs toward my French doors and closes my thick sheets of blinds. Turning my room black, with only the light from the TV glowing. "Okay we're all set!" He walks back to the foot of my bed searching for the NyQuil and pouring me a full cup, walking it over to watch me take it all. Handing me the Orange Juice after I sucked down the medicine. As I drink the Juice he throws me his hoodie and starts putting the fuzzy socks on each foot. I watch as he puts the snacks and magazines on my bedside table on my side of the bed, places the movies on top of my TV after he plays If I Stay. Setting one Nerf gun on my side and the other on his side with the cards. Lastly handing me the teddy bear and crawling into bed beside me.

"Thank you," I say still looking at his sweet face. He laid down, opening his arm for me to lay my head on his shoulder. I just sit there. I'm so shocked I couldn't lay down. 

"Bethany, why are you looking at me like I've committed an unspeakable crime?"

"I am? I'm not meaning too, I've just never-" I stop just staring at his innocently confused expression. 

"Seriously what's going on?" He moved his hand to rub my back as I was still sitting up, wondering what just happened.

"I've never had someone take care of me." I finally let the words slide out as I laid down at his side with my head on his shoulder. 

"What? Bethany I don't believe you. You have a mother and a father in this house." He kissed my forehead. I close my heavy eyelids.

"You would think they would care some what. But both of them never have had the time for caring, much less time to ask how I'm doing. Which would entail them being active parents. I think they lost that ability when they didn't save my brother." I aimlessly ran my hand up and down his arm as he rubbed my back still with his other hand. 

"I'm sorry you've missed out on being a kid." He kissed my forehead again.

"It's okay I'm use to doing things on my own." I breathed deep, still with my eyes closed. I was feeling out of sorts. My soul didn't feel connected to my body anymore, but I still felt safe. That was the first time I had felt safe in years, probably since the last night Cameron had slept in his bed. 

"You don't have to anymore baby. I'm here and I promise you're not alone." He reached around and hugged me tight. I felt warm and cozy, it's one of those feelings that happen after getting out of a hot shower on a summer night and putting in cool PJ's slipping into bed on freshly washed sheets. Everything was perfect and felt in place. 

"I love you," they were out before I thought about them. Because I felt them before I had time to overthink it. Plus I was too heavily intoxicated with NyQuil and happiness with the fear or worry that was supposed to come along feelings of admitting love, first.

"I think I've loved you all my life, you're just not only in my dreams now." I smiled as he whispered the toxic cocktail of words. Drifting to sleep I knew he would always be my everything. I also knew our age was odd for us to find each other, but God gives you the people you need in life at the time you need them the most. And though I would have liked to met my soulmate later in life, or so I thought that's when I wanted to meet him, I was given him years earlier. I know it's because I needed him now and would forever need him. He protected me the way a father should protect his child, he adored me the way a mother should adore her child, and he gave me the respect and understand a best friend gives their best friend. I understood at that moment as I let the rush of darkest overcome me that he was all the family I would need. And I would never be able to live without this beautiful human being. 

The tears are steaming endlessly down my face. No one has said anything as we pull up to my house. Lemon and Brad rode with me, I think they saw me losing my cool and driving off a cliff. Or finding one to escape off of. I would laugh at the thought but I have no energy. I stare out my windshield, my mind racing so fast I can't focus on one thought. Where is he? Is he safe? What would make him leave school? Who would he do this for? What is he doing? Is he hiding something? Could he be hiding something? Will I see him again? Will he tell me about this? I move my hands from the steeling wheel to pull my cell phone out of my pocket. Clear screen still, I stare at it, hoping for something different. Trying to focus all my energy on a text a phone call anything from Jake right now would be amazing. I roll my eyes and let out my breath I've been unwillingly holding. 

"What can we do?" Lemon's voice is quiet like she'll awaken a beast I'm trying to hold in. I close my eyes letting more water fall and shake my head, wanting to say nothing but knew the words would be empty.

"We can go looking for him?" Brad voices from the backseat. I actually laugh.

"Where? Please tell me where we should or could start? He doesn't have his vehicle. We don't know who he's with, if he's with someone or just walking somewhere." I'm sitting up just screaming at my best friend. My eyes wide looking back at Brad. His face is innocent and hopefully. Like he'll be able to fix this if I just believe in him. I remember that same look nine years ago when he came over with his parents after a search party was sent out looking for Cameron. He came up to my room, I was sitting on my small bed holding my baseball glove. The only thing I could say to Brad when he walked in was, "Cameron really wants this glove. I don't know why. I think he thinks it's magic because I catch everything that comes my way. I'm going to wrap it and give it to him when we find him." I looked up at him - his face just stared at me, looking as though I had an answer to give him and we'd make that whole problem all better. A couple of kids believing the grown ups would fix everything. "Wanna help me wrap it?" He smiled and shook his head yes. We spent the rest of the night wrapping it perfectly and writing a note of love. That same guy is sitting in my backseat, still here to be whatever I needed him to be.

"I'm sorry," I sling my hand behind my and touch his arm. "Thank you both." I look over at Lemon. They both smile a comforting, distorted way that scares me instead of putting me at ease. 

"We will go look for him, and you can go inside and make some calls. Maybe call your Dad?" Lemon says as she opens her door, Brad follows her cue and steps out too. 

"Yeah, and we will keep in touch every 20 minutes." Brad's face lights up as I crawl out of my driver's side.

"Thanks guys, maybe we just go in have some tea and map out a plan. I'll call Dad first. Then we can spread our wings." I slap Brad's shoulder as he shuts my door.

"Tea?" Lemon makes a face as she crosses her arm to mine. Are you feeling yourself face?

"What? Doesn't tea relax you?" I question thinking I know I don't need coffee. I'm already pretty wired. The sun is warm, and the wind is breezing through my hair as we walk up my sidewalk to my front porch. We pour into the front door and stop suddenly as we hear voices from Dad's office. "Jake?" I blurt out and release my arm from Lemon's. Ghostly walking towards Dad's shut door, as excited as I am to hear Jake's voice my legs feel like jello. Relief washing over me I might pass out. Lightly knocking on the door, voices hush, and I knock again.

"Come in," his voice is low, demanding. To the point type tone. I push the door open anyway, not caring what he wants for once. I look around. Dad is sitting behind his desk, pen in hand peering up at me. I glance around his book shelves and corners. No one - just him. I'm going crazy.

"I just - uh - I thought I heard." I stop and straighten up, waving my hands to reset myself. "Dad I kinda lost Jake." Seriously the only words I could find were those. I know that sounds stupid, but I know Dad loves Jake. Sometimes I think he loves Jake more than me. I look at Dad as he sets his pen down and leans back in his chair.

"Lost Jake? Is he a purse?"

"What? No, I just meant-"

"Yes Bethany I know what you meant," he cuts me off. Tone sharp, cutting my skin. "You didn't lose him. He got himself into some trouble. He was here earlier. I'm sure he's home or needing time alone somewhere right now." Dad picks his pen back up and waves his hand at me, like I'm a client and we are done with our professional time together.

"But his truck is still here." My heart may jump out of my chest. I can't believe I just said that to him. Questioning Dad is always a bad idea.

"Bethany, Jake is his own person. Y'all are kids, stop being a drama queen, claiming you lost a person. When he wants to talk he will. Now I have work to do." He points to the door and continues writing. I turn on my heels, wanting to slam the door behind me. I don't, I close it holding the handle behind my back as I lean against it after I hear it click. Lemon and Brad are staring at me. I hear their voices but can't section out the words they are saying. My thoughts are streaming again. I look upward trying to catch one, but I can't. Trouble? What kind? He goes to my Dad? Before me? Over me? Where did he go? And before I could think of something else I push off the door and rush pass Lemon and Brad. Winding the corner, taking the steps two at a time. Skipping down the hallway, almost tripping as I slow to turn into my room. There he's sitting on my bed, holding my wrapped glove. He looks so beautiful in the setting sunlight, his head sets up toward me. I walk over to him and drop to my knees in front of him as I see the outline of dried tears on his checks.

"There's a lot we haven't shared with each other Bethany." I look up at him as his words wash over me. Is he questioning me? My past I haven't shared? My investigating behind his back? I feel extremely warm and a lump of guilt gets stuck in my throat. "I've kept some secrets." What?

Ghost's Past

"Well, uh," my mouth goes completely dry. I feel as if I may pass out. I only remember once feeling like this, as s freshman and cheerleading names were called out over the intercom at school. I was sitting down for that, standing up and facing his stern beautiful face is giving my knees a jello emotion. "I- I'm going to sit down." I state as I turn and walk in a daze motion to the edge of my bed.

"Seriously Bethany? I just want the truth and that doesn't take a long time to spit out. I don't like games so if you're hiding something we can end this." His words are cold and I feel a wall between us. Would he really be able to leave me? I don't think I could ever see myself leaving him. Struggling though with him leaving me for hiding this or telling the truth. I may be alone either way.

"You could really leave me?" I don't know why I'm asking, I doubt I could face his truth of an answer. He sighs and his face relaxes. He sits down on the bed beside me looking at my fluffy beige carpet. 

"Honestly, yes Bethany." Tears flood my eyes instantly, my throat burns from the pain in my chest. He looks at me in my blurry vision. "Not because I don't really love, but because if you're keeping secrets you couldn't possible love me. You're my best friend. I trust you with everything - I only want the same respect from you." His sharp honesty cut deep. I felt warm blood racing throughout my body to keep it from melting into my bed. He does love me and respect me. I'm his best friend, after a horrible day those three words; his best friend, were everything to me. I guess here goes nothing-

"I guess I just wanted information, and he was the only one I thought of. I know it was wrong to lie- I didn't mean to be secretive."

"But you did, or else you would have told me. Bethany when a person lies, if it's not for a good surprise it's because they know it is wrong, and the lie is in place as a scapegoat of another person's feelings."

  "Huh?"

"Okay, you lied to me because you didn't know me getting upset about you going to talk to Chase alone. Why?" 

"I didn't want you thinking I was crazy because I don't know anything about the case against my grandfather and why his name is always brought up. I don't know what links the murders to my bloodline."

"Bethany." I shift under his glare as my vision turns to clear. My fingers are dancing with each other in my lap. He places his hand over both mine to steady me. I relax me shoulders.

"And I didn't want a fight of who I had to collect the information from."

"Ah the truth, feel better?" 

"No, I still feel bitter about the news and that I came home without information. Now even worse because you found out I went anyway and it was a waste of my time."

"Next time don't lie, or do something you know would hurt me or piss me off. You know I hate Chase and he'll give you enough information to run back to him next time a story about your family leaks. 

"He didn't give me any information though," I feel my tone shaking as I'm getting angry he isn't understanding my point. As I feel his point lash out through he sharp stare I open my mouth to refresh the conversation. "But I understand what you mean Jake, I won't lie again, nor go behind your back. 

"Thank you," he smiles and rubs his thumb softly over the back of my hands. "I want to help with your problems too, what's yours is mine. We work as a team." He leans over and kisses me, moving his hand from mine to my thigh. I instinctively bring my hands to wrap around his neck, keeping his lips on mine as we deepen the kiss. All of the day's troubles fades into the dark part of my mind as all I want right now is to kiss Jake until it's a new day.

Two weeks later

 I stare at the clock behind Ms. Brown's blond short hair as she talks about the structure of a sentence. All I can think is 20 more minutes left of this incredibly long Friday. Cheerleading has been cancelled due to the bonfire or the start to football season. Although cheerleading, Dad's office, Jake's arms, and sleep felt like the only few events my life has consisted of since school began. I haven't found anything useful at Dad's office, there's only boring traffic tickets, trespassing, mail box smashing, and prenatal agreements forms I file. Answering the phone for appointments and hours, the fun ones are the directions- like are you not from here? Because we are in the heart of Jackson County, right in front of the courthouse in the square, which anyone who lives in 100 mile radius is aware of our location. But who am to judge? I hand over the address and directions, telling them politely to call back if need be. 

I'm mainly ready to have time by myself in the office or given more responsibility. I know Dad knows something about why the news stories continue digging into our family. Jake hasn't brought anything up since our talk. I think he knows I'm still trying to find answers, but now the topic just sits in the room as a ghost. Not because he doesn't trust me, or that I don't want to share my quest with him, but sometimes some events need to be done on your own. This is the case in this subject. I don't want to open up and share my past just yet. He respects that, I think, I mean why shouldn't he? He hasn't told me jack about Cali and his past. It's that feeling we both probably have of fear of the truth. As soon as it's said out loud and pictures are painted of reality in our heads it's hard to steer a future without the old paint soaking through. At least that's my fear, I don't see Jake as a kid of a young teen with friends or girls - I get sick, I don't understand the feeling or know where to put it; so I pretend this is the only time he's had in life and it gets me by.

The bell rings and I pop up. My skin is screaming with pulses. I wasn't prepared for the bell. My mind isn't being my friend lately, and they always say your thoughts make you sane or crazy. I'm afraid of the direction I'm heading in. Bending over I pick up my back pack and shove my books and notebook inside. Slinging it over my shoulder I merge into the crowds of the hallway. I don't know how I'll make it through the night of the bonfire. I know I'm supposed to be enjoying life, I'm young, rich, have great friends and a hot boyfriend. But the weights of the past are heavy and the ties to cut is a thick cable. 

"What's happening sweet Betherz?" Lemon pops up as I open my locker.

"You know I hate that name." I feel my voice even and lifeless, about how my motions are seeming as I put my books from my locker into my back for the weekend of hopefully catching up on homework. As lame as my life sounds, I feel like my only hope for a normal future is getting out of the state of Georgia. 

"Yeah but you usually smile when someone says it. So it's like you hate it publicly but secretively you love it." She smirks her thin lips at me, knowing my thoughts. I think the odd meaning behind nick names are a good omen. People like you enough to give you a name that's all yours, and I am lucky enough to at least have sweet in front of it. 

"So how did Karen take the news of not getting on the Varsity Cheerleading Squad?" I shut my locker and face Lemon's ghost face full of happiness. Her smirk turns into a soft smile, and she pushes her thin long blond hair off her face. Her green eyes lightly looking into mine hoping I'm not becoming depressed I'm sure. Though she saves me a lot of the time, she's the one who seriously would be lost without me. I know this, and it scares me. To have so much power over other people - and I don't say that out of cockiness, it's just how some rules are taken on. I just happen to hide my thoughts with being as happy on the outside as I possible can be. 

"Well she's been quiet today, but you warned her. It's nothing against her. She's a freshman. Plus it's just cheerleading - not the end of the world." We walk towards the middle of the hallway to meet the guys at the staircase. 

"You're right, I just hate crushing dreams. I remember what it was like to be a freshman and feeling like that was my only hope to being anyone in my high school days."

"Quite truth sweet Betherz, however, it's not a tragedy, just cheerleading." We stop at the edge of the wall right before the turn to head down the center staircase. I laugh as Lemon jokes as she always does about cheerleading. It's just another plan to demeanor women and keep them as sex symbols. The point of the humor is she's a cheerleader, one of the best we have actually. 

"Have we ever beat them before?" Change of subject I feel is needed and point the conversation elsewhere.

"No, that must be a good sign for a wonderful night." She smiles heavily at me. We have a giggle session as we wave at some groups who yell heys and goodbyes, see you tonights as most classmates hurry out to the freedom of the weekend. 10 minutes pass and we are still just hanging out, starting to feel like losers being stood up.

"Finally, dude where have you been?" I ask as Brad walks up from the opposite end of staircase hallway.

"Just got held after class for some dumbass reason." Something seems off. 

"What reason?" I quiz the truth.

"Because I answers a question wrong." his voice is even and he doesn't look at me. His feet are apparently better looking.

"Brad!"

"Fine, I just went looking for Jake."

"Jake? What do you mean looking for him?"

"What else would I mean. If you're looking for someone it usually almost always means you can't find them."

"Okay smartass." Lemon takes the words out of my mouth, as I can't find any. Where would Jake be. I'm just confused and in shock. I've never not known where Jake's location was - is this my punishment for the other week, I oddly wonder to myself.

"Okay, so did he just leave class from a bathroom break and not return or did he go hoe early?" I say as loud as I can but only voices as a whisper.

"He was called out of class, he returned a few minutes later with a white face, gets his things and leaves. Ms. Brooklyn kept asking where he was going and he didn't answer."

"Wow that could get him kicked off the football team." Lemon's face is even, without emotion and I can't even imagine what mine looks like as I wonder what could be more important than football. We have a plan to get out of Georgia, and while he has money - he always talks about not using his parents money. Therefore football is all the hope we have for him. I can't catch my breath, it's like there's an elephant sitting on my chest. I grab my sides and bend slightly over trying to hold my breaking faith together.

"Bethany?" Brad touches my shoulder, "we will figure out what's going on. I'm sure Ms. Brooklyn won't turn him in. She kept looking for him to return. She's probably just as worried." As he keeps talking I quit listening and pull my phone out of my back pocket. It's only a screen of us. We are smiling at each other with an ocean behind us. Now all I can think is I'm as clueless about where or what could be going on as I was about what laid beneath the ocean behind us that day. Secrets are funny that way, when it's so easy for me to keep, why wouldn't it be easy for someone else to keep them. Now I know how he felt two weeks ago. My thoughts run wild, and one runs to Jake investigating my family's past on his own. I don't feel my legs any longer and Brad's hands are on my waist guiding my to the ground. I can't get a grip, I just see blurry movements. If Jake is in any trouble and it's my fault I'll never be able to forgive myself. And let's face it I've never really forgiven myself for Cameron. How does one come back from two tragic events when they haven't even fully gotten over the first?  

Head Stones & Tasted Lies

Even in the heat everything here always feels cold to me. All the gray stones, laying on the ground or standing tall it doesn't matter, all had writings of lives passed. To me it is cold and lonely. I think I'll want to be cremated, at least I'd go out in flames. Out on the edge of all the stones I find a seven foot stone of a boy looking at the sky, forever frozen in the sun, standing looking up at himself.

"Hi." I clear my throat and touch his arm as they are crossing behind his back. He use to stand like this all the time, asking all types of questions. He'd ask where do the clouds sleep, how are the angels houses built in outer space, Who looked down on us when the sky was clear blue. He always had the best questions, really made you think and not mind that his questions never ended. Well they made you wish hiss questions never had ended anyway.

"I know it's been a few weeks, I'm a bad big sister." I squeeze his stone hand and lay on the grass in front of him. I close my eyes imagining his last thoughts. I have never been told exactly what happened to him. I wonder if I ever will, or if I even want to know. I open my eyes letting the sun dry the tears that burn the corners of my eyes as they run to hide in my hair.

"I have no excuse, I was out living a life, with Jake not really even my friends. Enjoying my last moments of summer without school and responsibility. It's lame I know. I miss you though, a lot. I often wonder if you'd be dating. You'd be a freshman this year. Probably look exactly like he did at that age. Playing all the ladies, I'd have to teach you to respect them and treat them how you'd want me treated. How Jake treats me." I run my arms up and down, over my head, down to my sides. Feeling the grass against my bare skin. Moments like this under the warm setting sun and the itchy grass I couldn't be more alive, and it broke my heart he wasn't here, he'd never be here. He would never feel these moments, the small ones that make life worth the ride.

"I went and saw Chase, the news talked about grandfather again. I know he's up there listening. He's most likely telling you to cover your ears." I laugh thinking of times at grandfather's house when grandmother would come in talking gossip. He'd always make Cameron cover his ears saying no one needed to fill their head with useless words about other people's lives. I smile again, knowing that's the exact reason I hate anything in a newspaper. Even though I know most of the news is true, I guess I like to hide in a world where my eyes are blind to those truths.

"I wish I wouldn't have had that sleep over. I would have been watching you. This whole town should have been watching you. I can't believe you were so easy to get to, so trustworthy. I miss you Cameron, a lot. Chase says I need to view this grandfather situation from another view point. I've been thinking about this statement all the way over. Okay so I could see grandfather killing Keith, that's easy to see. It's the point that his name continues to be brought up. Like he's still out there murdering from the grave. He couldn't be right?" I think for a spilt second maybe he could be. Knowing I am going slightly crazy. 

"No I know he's not. My first day back and I couldn't even make it to cheerleading practice. Is it bad I dislike popularity but I don't want to live without it?" I sit up crossing my arms over my knees. "Yeah dumb question. I know." Sitting my head on my arms I see the grass in the shade of my body, with all the light outlining me. It hits me like a ton of bricks. Chase was trying to tell me someone knows something, at that paper or an informant to the paper. Here I am sitting in the dark surrounded by all these answers but I am sitting in my own way because I don't want to dig inside my family. My phone vibrants and I snap up. I slow my racing heart with deep breathes, knowing this will soon get tricky. Tip toeing around the people I am supposed to trust the most, the ones who have bonded with me over a huge moment in time none of us have gotten over, even the death of his killer wasn't our closure. And if my grandfather didn't kill Keith, who did? Were they the same person killing the rest of the people in this town.?

I pull my phone out - missed call from Jake - I feel sick to my stomach. I know I lied earlier, but telling him I am investigating my grandfather's name seems so complicated. Would he leave me for a girl with less drama from the past? Or just stay with me because he feels bad I'm crazy. I shut my phone screen to black and put it down on the ground, feeling myself get lost in all my thoughts. Wondering about these murders, trying to place pieces where I couldn't make them fit, seeing if anything was in common. I don't even think the news really points dots together. Sometimes reporters would link the murders or refer to one that happened months, years ago, but there isn't a name for the serial killer. I have never seen the FBI called in, it's like Jackson just pretends murdering isn't a criminal act. It's probably a police officer or judge committing the murders. 

I fall back against the ground thinking which one it could be. There is a lot of people who have been in their same careers for the last ten years. It's too many to think, I shut my eyes as the sun sets a little further behind the trees. How will I face Jake? Tell the truth or follow my lie?

* * * * *

"I missed you dropping by the office today Bethany." Dad's tone is quizzing me. I look across the maguey dining table. His eye brow is raised and he's sitting tall as he chews on his bloody steak. I poke at mine, wondering how he eats his rare while I have to have mine cooked well done.

"Yeah, uh, cheerleading ran later than I thought. It won't happen again." I know good and well I would never be able to tell him what I was looking into earlier. I also didn't want to answer questions about stopping by Cameron's grave.

"Okay, see to it that it doesn't. Just because it's my practice and your my daughter doesn't mean I won't fire you."

"Before my first day, jeesh." I try to joke, I smile and peek below my lashes. His face is stern, not a joking night I see.

"Bethany."

"Okay, I know, I'm sorry sir. It will not happen again."

"Good because if you want to learn how a job in the real world works you need to know, no one gets a break. Ever."

"Where's Mom?" I cut my thin piece of meat and pop it into my mouth trying to force food down and the subject to lighten.

"She wasn't feeling well. She ate in her room tonight."

"I hope she feels better, does she need anything from me?" I already know the answer. She's drunk, like every night. She didn't ever need anything from anyone. She only needs Cameron, and maybe for my Dad to actually come around like he still had a family left.

"I'm sure she'll be fine, I am returning to the office tonight to finish my case preparations for court tomorrow. I expect you to stay home." 

"Of course, it is a Monday night." For a few seconds all you can hear is a lonely house without laughter to fill it, only the quiet clanging of Dad's silverware against his plate, as I am still just poking my food. "Uh, I was wondering if you heard about the uh-news?" I can't even look up, heat fills my throat and I don't think I will be able to hear his answer over the beating of my heart.

"Of course I saw the news, Bethany I'm a lawyer. I live the news. They only wanted to dig and remind the town of your grandfather if that's what you are referring to." He pops a piece of fat in his mouth. I can hear the chewing change in his rhyme. I feel chills, I hate the fat. "There's no need you should be thinking about that. You're too young, plus they are just trying to put my character on trial since I have this case in courting starting tomorrow." I know he's bringing up the case that will begin tomorrow. Defending a college student who was raped at the beginning of the summer. She was at a party celebrating her completion of her freshman year without flunking out. She is a beautiful blonde, innocent but since she was drunk and wearing a skirt she asked for three frat guys to take turns with her. Dad won't discuss much about how the young girl is doing or what is going on with the evidence. He says it's not my business, it's hers but unfortunately after the trial it will be the world's business, and anyone will have the right to their opinion. 

"I didn't think of that. I'm just curious as to if you thought maybe they were right, if maybe-"

"Bethany! That is not even a question, or thought. There is no truth to your grandfather doing such an awful thing nor have an accomplice who is still carrying out his wishes from the grave." His voice shuttered my confidence and I know I won't eat for sure now. I steady my nerves and carry my plate into the kitchen. My steak missing only two small bites and one cut away but left, my green beans untouched, and my mashed potatoes topped with a gravy volcano. Looking so soft I scoop a small piece and let it drop into my mouth deliciously melting letting the warmth sink in. Instead of scrapping my food into the trash I set it up into the microwave, hoping I'll want it before bed - after I let my nerves settle into a normal setting. 

I slide out of the kitchen, pass Dad's office, towards the staircase. I just need to be in the safety of my room. I move to the edge of the hallway as I pass Cameron's room, an empty room that use to hold so much love and happiness. Now the door is never open, doesn't see the light. I walk into my room and jump, he's just standing in the light of my closed french doors. 

"You scared me!" I'm holding my chest trying to catch my heart of jumping out of its cages, as I open the doors to let him in.

"What's this?" He holds his phone in my face, for some reason before I read his evidence I know I'm in trouble my stomach drops for the second time tonight, 50th for the day I'm sure. I steady his shakingly mad hand, read the tweet from Chase. Love surprise visits from @Betherz00. Well no need in faking being sick anymore, I am certainly feeling a moment of bitter sickness. I taste my lies and they are awful. I guess here goes nothing - a dose of the truth should wash my taste buds clean. I hope.     

Judgment

Standing in the hot sun outside the tall, stone building. Jackson Chronicles our one and only paper - well besides the Maxwell Depth, our high school online gossip paper. It always has the best stories though, truth or lies. I shallow and walk up the seven steps onto the wide porch, leading into the huge glass door. The metal door handle is cool from being in the shade most of the day. As soon as I open these doors I already know the noise will overwhelm me. I have been here four times before, always looking for answers, always hoping for more. Maybe now since I'm older I'll get more. 

It's always magical inside though. Knowing this is where the news gets written, reviewed, and sent out for our read. Our judgment. Walking in the ceilings are high and the lights are bright. The keys are ticking with fingers scattering across the boards, there's laughter, and hushed whispers while co-workers converse, and lean over one another's shoulders. I sure this career has it's perks, but I only see the dark side that brings others unfortunate shame. 

"Chase Forbes?" I lean over the first desk I come across. The pretty brunette with dark eyes behind her small glasses didn't even look at me as she points to the back of the room. "Is that supposed to mean upstairs or an office in the back?" I know my question came out with some bitch tones, but I didn't like being ignored. She stops typing and looks at me.

"Oh wow, you're Bethany Hurley? Jefferson Hurley's granddaughter. This is such a honor!" Her voice was high and squeaky. I don't like it. 

"Yes, good job. Glad to know the news is right about something." I roll my eyes and cross my arms. "Chase?" I direct my point, hoping she gets on with it.

"Of course, yeah. He's upstairs now. Second office on the left. I can show you-"

"No that's okay I think I know my left from my right." I walk down the middle of the row of desks. I shrug my shoulders to my self. Maybe I shouldn't have been so ha on her, I'm sure she didn't have anything to do with the news or what was written online. Right now though this whole place could burn and I wouldn't care. I move up the winding staircase, knowing I have a battle on my hands. At the top everything is a lot quieter. It is actual scarier, like thinking goes into the lies these jackasses write. Glass walls for offices, always on display. I shake my head and walk in as Chase smiles brightly at me.

"I should have known I would get a pleasant surprise from you today." His deep voice fills the office and probably half the hallway outside his open door. He stands and walks to me.

"Yes, I wonder how you knew." I throw my hand up against his force, touching his muscles under his thin blue tee. Chase went to my high school just two years ago. He still is as gorgeous as he was as a senior. His dad got him a job here, and he found some evidence in an old cold case file about a 15-year old who was murdered 10 years ago. Lead the police to make an arrest, nothing stuck but the murderer, Kyle Black, ended up dead five days after his release. Big surprise. Either way I'm guessing that's how he moved up so quickly without a degree of any sorts, that and his good looks and southern charm probably doesn't ever hurt his case.

"Okay, okay," he backs away, smiling his sweet smile with dimples deep in his soft smooth cheeks. His skin was darkened with a Georgia tan, teeth so white they shine, his blonde hair pushed neatly back, and his sparkling green eyes hiding all the secrets that haven't been twisted with a lie just yet.

"Let's hear what excuse you want to fed me today?" I cross my hands, not sure about sitting in one of the two black leather chairs sitting in front of his desk. Who would visit this office?

"Oh came with a fire did we?" He doesn't walk to sit down either, instead he leans against his short book shelf, full of awards on top. So cocky. I suddenly wonder what Jake would think of me being here. Chase never meant anything to me, but for a few months freshman year we tried to make something work. I just couldn't deal with all his parties and the thought of college girls soon taking him away from me. I was too imaginative and he was too carefree.

"I always come with fire, but I can save us both some time, as we know yours is full of dollar signs and lies." I came here for business no need in sidelining, Chase was and is someone I would never want to get to know.

"Ouch Bethany Hurley, who are you?" 

"I'm bitter, and I want answers. Why does this stupid news always dig up news that died years ago? Proof of words never leading to a damn thing? All these games you and this paper are playing have taken it's toll one too many times don't you think?" I sternly say my words, making sure to lock inside the tears. My irritation wins, or I will make sure it wins over the ill way ward I have with my family being taken through the mud, yet again.

"I don't know where you get off coming to my place of work and accusing, but as you know we are the newspaper. And I am yet but one person of about 120?" His smile drops and his eyebrow raises. He hasn't dealt with me in a while, it's probably been a year since we ran into each other at the coffee shop inside town.

"Well as I recall Mr. Chase pulls weight throughout this paper. I'm surprised you're hiding this." I drop my hands, knowing I'm wasting my time. I think of a different angle. "Okay look I'm not here to point blame."

"I think you did, and you have."

"Right," I take a deep breath. "Well if you took a moment and placed yourself inside my shoes you could see my side. I see that's asking too much. The point I came here to make is why?"

"Why?" His face crinkles into confusion.

"Yes, why does my family continue to be linked around these murders?" The room breathes for a few seconds as he wipes his face with his hands. 

"I thought you were more than just a pretty face Bethany." His matter of fact tone pisses me off.

"What?" I step back as he pushes hisself off the shelf. 

"Sometimes you need to think about looking from others' shoes." His eyebrow raises again and I'm curious as to what he means. "It'll all come full circle."

"Your words are a game, just like when you say them to girls." I turn on my heels and walk down the hallway toward the staircase. I feel as if I need several showers. I hate discussing my family and our problems and when I chat with him I feel like I'm naked with all my shame hanging out. Look from someone else's point of view...what could he mean? I consider myself an open person, I don't take one idea and run with them...well all the time. I guess I could be one sighted to my family, but that's obvious we have nothing to do with these murders. If anything one, if we did have something to do with them, I could see it for one. I mean hell I would murder someone for my family, especially my little brother. And my grandfather loved Cameron. I hurry down the stairs, through all the noise once more until I'm free outside. The only thing shining down on me is the sun's rays. I need someone to talk to, anyone. I have never felt so alone in this world. I continue down more stairs waiting to enter hell. I run to my jeep and shut myself inside. Wondering if I could trust Jake with my secrets, my thoughts? As the tears escape and hurry down my cheeks, I crank my engine and turn toward a place I could always be safe. A place I spent my childhood. Cameron's grave.