Nightmares

Jerking awake, my eyes were having trouble adjusting. I hated when I had a frightening dream, can't remember it but I know I'm scared of something, and my eyes fail me making reality twenty thousand times worse than it probably is. Finally my wall comes into shades and I can see everything is in place - bookshelf safely held each book in all the places I left them. The mysteries far on the top shelf away from the romance neatly leaning against one another on the bottom shelf with the action, science fiction, and history as buffers in-between. I felt Jake move beside me. He was a heavy sleeper, a hurricane couldn't wake him. I wonder if it had to do with growing up in California with earth quakes. He had moved here during the summer before 10th grade started. I remember seeing him on the baseball field when my then best friend Jupiter. Her boyfriend was the starting pitcher. That was until Jake moved to Georgia and stole all the fame from any of our small town boys. I still remember my heart stopping and racing all at once. He was like a warm summer sun in the dead of winter, a promising star to always lead me home. I never got enough of him. He must had been through something awful back in California because our first conversation was him saying his name and stating he was interested only in a serious relationship - one full of respect and true promises only. Otherwise we'd be friends and that's it. I had never met anyone in my whole life to have everything figured out. I grew up fast because of my brother leaving me so earlier on. I had planned to protect him forever. Keep all the whores away from him and show him how to jump off the rope swing at the perfect moment to do a full flip into the lake down the dirt road behind out house.

Shutting my eyes I pretend for a quick second he wasn't murdered and my family is whole. Tears scoot out of the corners of my eyes. Opening them I rolled over gently pushing my sheets off my body and softly pulling Jake's grip from around him to an empty place. His face was emotionless, beautiful in the state of safety in a deep sleep where reality is far lands away. Dreams are always my safe haven. Not that my reality is bad, it's not. My family is one of the wealthiest in Jackson, Georgia. And money buys a lot, it buys a sleep set on happiness. Let's me go into auto pilot sometimes with it. I can buy myself things, and take trips, I can have brief moments of highs that gives me laps of the happiness family relationships are supposed to bring. Jake does that too, I got lucky with him, my blessing is what I call him. Funny I wonder if my little brother would have liked him. Maybe they'd be good friends, and I'd get a long with his girlfriend. We'd all go on double dates and spend nights playing cards, watching movies, doing homework. I wonder if Jake would think it's weird I day dream about what if a lot when it comes to the day my little brother got murdered. 

It was cold outside of his hold, I moved slow to my bathroom thinking that made my footsteps quiet. I close the door with both hands and lean against it. Just a moment to myself to breathe deep. It always helped hold back the break downs. I only let myself feel those during my showers. The water hide my tears and the warmth felt healing. I felt reborn each shower. Water was my saving grace. A loud thud caught my attention, breaking my train of thought and easing the break down. I peak into my room - Jake's still sleeping perfectly. I smile and roll my eyes, I didn't know what I was thinking.

Outside my room felt warmer. The hallway didn't have any windows to be opened like I had my doors to let cooler air inside. I was at the end of the hallway, looking down it in the darkest always scares me. It's disturbing. I walk pass my bathroom door and edge out to the railing that overlooks the foyer to pass by my brothers closed door. Down towards my parents room I could hear my mom's heavy breathing, I'm sure she was sauced before she passed out from too much alcohol. My body just teased as always slowly stepping, not that any noise would wake her. Maybe my undying knowledge of her pain made me uncomfortable. Turning to walk down our winding staircase. I could noises from my dad's office. The large standing clock in the foyer read 1:15, surprising he was actually home at this time. I use to here him coming in at 3 am most mornings and he'd be gone again by 6 am. I will forever wonder where he sleeps if he ever does. 

"I'm sorry if I woke you." He's words were low, as if he were still trying not to wake me. 

"You didn't, I had an odd dream that did that. I heard noises and didn't expect you to be home." My tone was accusing. I smiled when he jerked his head up to finally see who had entered his office. 

"Bethany, you should be in bed at this hour."

"I was, as I said I was sleeping." He never listened. Just thought what he wanted as always. Before I could turn and leave his shoulders relaxed and he put his pen down.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to not listen." He leans back in his chair. His face still looks young under the tense glare and slight wrinkles in the corners of his eyes. His brown hair is still thick with only stray gray hairs. "Tell me, was your summer all you had wanted?" 

"Ended too soon, as all time of freedom does." I shrug my shoulders, wondering where he is digging. I don't think I've had a conversation with my father in years, if ever. I try to always remember him when I was a child. My baby brother on his shoulders, his free hand holding mine, swinging together as we walked around the county fair. It was the last happy day we had together.

"Good, and your mother?"

"Not much of a mother, how's she as a wife?" I regret the words as soon as they were out.

"Bethany." I couldn't read his tone when he said my name. He wiping his face with his hands, taking a heavy sigh. "I would do anything to protect this family." There's a different shade of facial expression when he looks up at me. I didn't know if I realize him. Then again I never see him, maybe I finally let his age into my memory. "I spend my days trying to clean up these streets, bringing this county back into the safe and humble one it used to be 10 years ago." I didn't want to hear this. I knew the town of Jackson was completely different and the turning point was Cameron's death. His beautiful round face, floppy hair, and always finding the best mud holes to get dirty. I feel the tears blot my eyes. My dad gets up and walks to me, for the first time in, well 10 years, he hugs me. "It's okay, I'm going to be more present. I'll get your mother some help. We will be a family again." He strokes my hair. His tight embrace is comforting. Something I've never felt from my dad. Only Jake. I didn't know what it's like to have a family member care and give love. My tears gently roll down my face.

"Thank you Daddy's!" The excitement and pure joy rings out in my stumbling voice. I squeeze him tight. Letting a relationship I've only dreamt of be born in a single few moments. He parts the hug, resting his hands on me shoulders. 

"I'll protect this family as I've been protecting Cameron's name all these years." His face it twisted in a smile that frightens me. I see red stains all of his clothes. I didn't know how I didn't see them earlier. Maybe the desk covered them. I was confused. I couldn't split my thoughts. I went over his words slowly. Protecting us like Cameron? He hadn't protected Cameron though. He's dead, his murderer got off on lack of evidence. Even though his killer should have been in jail for molesting several little boys. The justice system had failed them too. My thoughts begin to entwine. Bleeding together, I needed air. My dad's lips were in a half smile, tickling my fear even more. 

"I don't think I understand." I whisper.

"Oh but my child you will." He stands straight and I see the dark red stains carrying on towards his khaki pants, thick.

"Are you hurt?" 

"No," he walks to his desk sits down and begins writing again. 

"Well, where did, uh." I swallow, trying to find my words. My mouth goes dry and I can't find a point I'm trying to make. 

"Don't worry Bethany, we soon will see the lights. Cameron will be here, and truths will be laid upon tables to feast for years to come." He just keeps writing and smiling.

"Cameron will what? I'm just..." Worlds continue to come out but no sounds made. All of a sudden I'm not standing in his office anymore, I'm in the woods. It's cold even though it's summer in Georgia. I look around trying to figure out where I am. I hear voices that are so familiar but I can't find anyone. I start walking, calling out. Still not sound. I see shadows in the pitch darkness, moving as quickly as I can on the hard, sharp ground. 

I jerk awake, sweating, and breathing hard. I'm laying in Jake's arms, my room is normal. Everything's black. I blink trying to help my eyes adjust. I remember having a weird dream, I can't pull up the parts to it though. Jake is sleeping like a baby, I roll my eyes. He's a beautiful thing, especially sleeping, so heavenly and easily looking years younger. When he's awake he looks 19, sleeping he looks his age. I know something happened before he moved out here but he still hasn't told me. I won't pry either, he'll open up when he's ready. I love him regardless and I know he's my saving grace. 

Climbing out of bed, I feel as if I just did this. Walking to my bathroom I hear a loud noise. In the hallway, it's dark and I'm confused. I swear I just did this. I see my dad's outline go into their room. Okay that isn't familiar. I wonder if he's going to sleep. Does he sleep? I shake my head and slip back into my room. Jake isn't in bed anymore. What the hay? 

"Baby where did you go?" He grabs me from my bathroom. I jump but smile.

"I'm sorry I heard something." My body relaxes in his arms. He kisses my forehead. 

"is everything safe? Should I go check? I don't like my princess being frightened." His lips were moving against my forehead. I don't want to open my eyes.

"Just carry me to bed please." He wraps his arms around me and carries me effortlessly to my bed gently sitting me on my side and crawling in over top of me. Wrapping me up to his body, I drift off to a dreamless sleep.