Blooming Shadows

Standing in the mirror, my eyes stay focused on my hair - half waving, half straight. I can't make it do either all the way. A whole year and a half dating this man, and I can't seem to shake these butterflies in my stomach. They continue to fuss inside me, not being able to find an escape. I try closing my eyes and breathing deep, opening my eyes to a mess with my hair. It's like another girl woke this morning and she's appeared on the outside of my body instead of the bright eyed girl I'm use to seeing. I redo my make up 3 times before I just give up all together. Okay girl you have got to get yourself together. It's just Jake! Just Jake! Chill out and breath - he loves you, you love him. It'll go great - just fringing relax! I scream the words inside my head. Leaning over the bathroom sink, ducking my head down to stare at the ivory color and the clear silver. Seeing my face extremely tiny inside the facet. "I hope you look better in that world than over here." I say aloud.

"What?" Lemon pokes her head inside the bathroom, I spin around leaning against the sink to steady my turn.

"Oh nothing - I was just trying to give myself a pep talk." I smile.

"Okay but Bethany you should never need one of those."

"What? Everyone needs a pep talk at least once a day."

"Yeah sure but you're not everyone. You're like this girl who use to be a princess back in every past life she has ever had." Lemon steps all the way inside the bathroom and turns me around to face the mirror again. She runs her hands through my hair. I get instant chills. Playing with my hair feels so amazing, though I think it's that way for all girls. I'm the only one I know who gets visible chill bumps. I always say to myself it's because neither one of my parents played with my hair as a child. I can remember them checking for ticks after a long day of Cameron and I playing outside, in the woods and the fields behind and beside our house. I had just gotten to the age of wanting Mom to braid my hair and Dad brush it after a hot bath when Cameron left us. Everything good seem to go with him at that age. Lemon continues to smooth my hair, using my straightener every few moments. Giving my half waves, fullness. After my hair looks amazing she moves to sweep my face with loose powder then bronzer around my cheek bones and chin. Brushing my eyebrows, and blending my dark eye shadow with a tan color. Now my smoky eyes look smoky instead of scary. Finally she lines my lips with a light lip gloss. "There see - you're perfect as always."

"Thanks Lemon. I actually look like myself now." Which I do, I see myself and not the homely girl who stared at my only a few minutes ago. 

"Now what are you going to wear?" She moves into my closet. Not once asking why tonight was so different from all the other date nights Jake and I had went on. She just acts as if this were mine and his first night out together. She had helped me this same exact way. Though the mood was much more giggling and what if's were flying out of our mouths every other sentence. I smile thinking of that magical night. I follow Lemon into the closet, watching her already scanning through my clothes.

"Why haven't you asked me why I'm being weird about tonight?" I lean against the framing of my closet and look at Lemon. She stops searching through my clothes and turns my way.

"We may not discuss things like normal girlfriends, but I know when something is different. I know you have a reason behind what you're feeling. I'm not here to judge or question you. I'm your best friend and in that role I just act without hounding you for information." She smiles and goes right back to looking in my clothes. "Here perfect." She pulls out my turquoise romper. It's usually my always go to outfit. Pulls my tan out and highlights my auburn hair and eyes. "And this," she hands me both my romper and my cream colored shaw, which has arm holes and lays over my front longer than my back. I use to call it my protection. When I felt nervous or insecure I would wrap it around my body and feel pretty again. Lemon is the only person in the whole world who knows that secret. Jake doesn't even know, which now a days Jake didn't know a lot about what's going on inside my life. I have a feeling he wouldn't be as chill about me not talking as Lemon is being. Though they are both my best friend in life, Jake is titled twice so I'm sure he'll always want more information from me. Which I can't blame him - I want more from him as well - I expect more. I don't agree with people saying not to expect things from anyone and you'll never be disappointed. That's not the point of relationships. Or friendships. Expectation is the result of responsibility. And loving people and having them in your life gives them responsibility. Never give let people off the hook because there's a stupid saying out there saying it's your fault for expecting something from someone. 

"Thanks for being my support, Lemon. You're always this amazing light that seems to lead me home." I walk over and take the clothes she's holding up and imaging me or herself wearing them. I hug her almost smacking myself in the face with the hangers, I laugh and she follows. Even if we are laughing at separate things, we are together on the same happy road and in the end that's really the only thing that matters.

"Okay go get ready, he'll be here soon and you still need jewelry." She slaps my butt playfully and I scurry off to my bathroom portion of the room. Not shutting the door - because frankly I know how scary it is in my closet with the door shut. Even though it's large in size there's no windows, maybe that's only frightening to me, but I didn't want to pretend she feels differently about being in a cage than me. I slip my tee over my head and pull my shorts off. Stepping into my romper and pulling it up. One arm at a time through the tank sleeves of the romper. Lastly slinging on my shaw. I feel ready. I peak back in to tell Lemon I don't need jewelry but she's already walking to me. "Here." She hooks my triple silver chains holding a turquoise emerald, and hands me my double ring that holds an anchor with a turquoise rope that weaves in and out of the anchor. I set it on my left hand, finishing off my look with my rose colored Michael Kors watch. 

"I think I'm ready." I smile to Lemon. 

"I agree, and good thing because he'll be here any minute. Text me later with details." She hollers as she disappears out of my bathroom. I turn to return to my closet to my full length mirror. Twisting and turning to make sure I like every angle of outfit. Okay I think I feel a little better. I haven't felt my butterflies stirring up trouble in the last bit. Well that was until now, as I'm stepping into my black woven sandals. It's Jake, why am I so nervous? My thoughts are just running wild, where are we going? Is this like our first date? Is he mad with me? He won't leave me right? He said he would never leave. My heart is about to jump out of my chest.

"Oh wow, you look stunning babe." I turn sharply to see him standing in my bathroom. Fresh pressed tee, recently washed hair, tan shorts, and his feet out in some flip flops. His smile eases my nerves and feels like home again. I walk over and fall into his awaiting arms.

"You smell nice," I breath him in and feel the warmth off his skin and clothes. Goose bumps run up and down my arms, and I feel my hair growing on my legs. 

"Ready?" He pulls away and grabs my hand. I follow him out of my bathroom into the hallway. Down the stairs, out the door to his truck. He slides in behind the wheel, bringing my hand to his lips. For a sharp moment nothing seems to have changed. I feel warm and happy, mine and Jake's relationship is easy again. We ride down the road in silence. Welcoming my thoughts to travel down crazy roads. I look out the window, seeing the sunsetting into pink and purple shades. Thinking of what Jake could possible be thinking. Does he wonder about how different his life would be if his childhood would have been normal? What his personality would be like now? How his experiences would be different? "So are you feeling better?"

"Yeah, I wasn't feeling too awful earlier." I come back to the here and now. Letting my thoughts linger away.

"That's good." He stops at the stop light and places his arm behind me on my headrest.

"Hmmm uh." I agree. He presses the gas as the light turns green. 

"Well you didn't miss anything at school." 

"That's good." I notice how my emotion from the beginning of our night is quite different and we aren't even out of the car ride yet.

"It was weird being there without you of course." 

"I can't imagine." I didn't even know we were pulling into LaTera. The high windows in the front, my favorite restaurant in town because it over looks some water in the back while you eat dinner. 

"Okay," he slams into park and turns off the engine. Looking over at me, "what's wrong? And by wrong, I mean what's been going over for the last week. I know things are different. That's not why I told you about my past Bethany. It was supposed to bring us closer. Right now you are making me regret telling you and that was not the feeling I wanted afterwards." His tone is sharp, to the point. I've never heard this side of Jake before. I'm not afraid, just sad. I never would have thought I would be causing the pain that echoes through his words. I'm so ashamed.

"You're right, I'm sorry Jake." I turn in my seat, letting my left leg crease on the seat. "I have not idea why I have acted like such a jerk. Scared, confusion, I honestly do not know."

"What are you confused about?" His hand lands on my knee. Triggering my honesty to want to be heard.

"How you seem so normal, so happy. How you trust people and just go through life as if your past were just like anyone else's."

"Oh Bethany, looks can be such a trickery action. Haven't you ever heard never judge a book by it's cover?"

"Well of course, but you have hide a piece for so long I would have never guessed anything bad ever happened to you."

"That's because I choose to be happy. I want to better future for myself. What happened to me isn't going to define the rest of my life. I want to grow and explore what else life can hold. And for the most part life has been amazing. I couldn't be happier having a loving girlfriend, great friends, a future looks pretty damn great right now." His smile escalates across his face, reflecting such a beautiful happiness. I smile back, a smile I know is mine and true. One that was only brought into my life after meeting Jake. I finally see his past should be showing me how I can overcome such a tragedy happening in life. That one event no matter how big, and how sad and life changing it shouldn't take over my life. It shouldn't sever a life from blooming and growing. He is still my light of hope, here to  show me that life is about what I make it, and Jake has never acted as if he came from a bad childhood because here and now are the moments that matter. And if you don't grab them and use them to see positive gifts they'll soon be gone. Leaving darkness everywhere all the time, until there's no direction light is shining anymore. 

"You're exactly right, as always. I don't know why I'm so lucky to have you in my life and still by my side. I'm sorry for being childish." His hand finds my cheek, his thumb rubs it as I lean into him. Now I see all the questions I thought of earlier, the ones I wondered if he would ask himself, are questions I ask myself often. Something I now will get to talk to him about. I will now get to see how he lets himself be happy without drowning in what if's of the past.

"Did you see the news yet?" He asks as he turns and opens his door.

"No, why?" I follow his lead and hop out.

"There's been another murder."

"What?" I freeze as Jake walks to my side.

"Yeah, I think your Dad was defending him. Mark Aaron. He was on trial for killing that sixteen year old from the town over."

"I know what you're talking about." I zone out as I remember Dad being in his office yesterday. He was telling someone how he knew he wasn't going to win the case. Something needed to be done because Mark had admitted to committing the crime. The evidence just wasn't there for the prosecution. I feel blackness around the corners of my eyes. Whoever Dad was on the phone with has to be the person on the loose linked to these string of murders. I feel my legs leave the earth as I think about Dad being a part of it.

"Bethany?" Is the last thing I hear before everything does dark.  

Finding Small Hope

I peek my eyes open, blinded by the sunlight. I didn't go to school today. It's been two weeks since Jake's told me about his family back in California. I haven't been much help to him. I look at him differently, his walls fell down and now I just see him so broken. I'm not saying I don't love him, I think it's the nerves of how to act. I feel almost the same when I was younger and the house was quiet after Cameron - how do you smile and laugh after tragedies? 

I roll over to my empty bed, missing Jake. I picture his morning smile and closed eyes. He could always feel me looking at him, and why wouldn't I? He's beautiful. I know he feels the distance I have placed, his texts show he's trying to save us but not trying to push me. We don't talk about anything particular, not like we use to. Now we just dance around our days. Skimming on the surface, not wanting to duck too deep. Fear of drowning I guess. I squeeze my eyes shut until they hurt hoping, just hoping they'll stay close. I can't fall asleep only takes a moment for me to push myself to sit up. I rest against one arm, rubbing my sleep with the other. I know I'm slowly making my way to open my phone. I'm just disconnected. I'm also mad at Jake for loving me then breaking me with horrible news. I'm glad I know his past but he was my saving grace, he was a light of hope I hadn't seen in years. Now to know he comes from a past like mine, I'm losing faith in anything being good in this world. 

  "Skipping school isn't the answer to anything," Lemon swings my bedroom door open and hops through the room, landing on my bed next to me.

"What?" Slightly confused on what question I was answering sitting at home. I haven't told Lemon anything. Which isn't like me at all, she knows everything - but I wasn't ready to share secrets that weren't mine. Plus I've never had anything bad to say about Jake. He's literally been the perfect boyfriend during this past year and a half. Always smiling and laughing, being the perfect gentleman who sneaks in my bedroom almost every night. Loving me dearly throughout all the days we've shared - through good and bad days. And he's never made me wonder if he was fully in our relationship. Now here I sit probably deserving the worst girlfriend of the award treating him this way.

"C'mon Bethany. Don't ever act like I don't know you." She rolls her eyes. I smile some, a softness to hope she'll ease up. She's such a free spirit most of the time she'll just sit with me. All my "in need moments" have been us just sitting on my balcony, letting the wind whistle through the trees. Sometimes I would just need another spirit sitting with me, so you don't feel so alone. Getting lost inside my thoughts is a scary thing, and I could lose myself easier knowing she was there, any moment to say something random or make a movement. Bringing me back to the present. 

"I'm not trying to answer anything - just trying to hide I suppose," I say it low, looking away from her green eyes. It's so hard keeping myself buried away from them. 

"I'll hide with you." I snap up looking at her. She reaches her hand over and places it on my blanket where my leg is underneath. Tears cloud my eyesight and I smile. She moves to the bathroom shutting the door. I take the brief moment to glance at my phone. Feeling my need for Jake heighten. I see lucky 13 text messages awaiting me. I glance through - Lemon, Brad, Becca, Lacy, finally Jake's. Four from him: #1 - Good morning doll #2 - I'll see you soon? I suppose since I'm not getting a response I'll head to face a school day without you. Text if you ned me, please. #3 - Pulling up to the parking lot doesn't seem real without you. I do think this has been the first day I've been without you since we started this whole boyfriend and girlfriend quest. #4 - Since I haven't heard from you I'll assume you're sleeping. At least I'm hoping for sleep and not avoidance. But I want you to join me for dinner. I'll come over and cook or I'll take you out. Please respond. I guess he gave up though that text was only an hour ago, the others had only let 20 minutes at most pass. A dark cloud floats pass, lingering above. 

"Hey have you ever felt bad for not knowing the next step?" I shoot to Lemon, who seems to be taking her precious time in the bathroom.

"What? Next step for what?" She pops out and walks over. Plopping herself onto the bed once more.

"Anything..." I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to make words connect in a way she'll understand me. "In a friendship, relationship, school, life. I don't know. Have you ever just felt lost?" I'm not making sense and I feel bad. While it's silent for a moment I reply to Jake as quickly as possible. Sorry for the delay and not answering this morning. Too much in my mind, weighing me down. I must have drowned last night and couldn't get up this morning. I'd love to go with you somewhere tonight. See you soon have a wonderful day, facing the hallways of school without me. 

"If I understand you correctly, the answer would be yes. After uh, Cameron, well I never thought I'd see you smile again...or if I would be able to make a difference for you. I felt lost in  black sea. I can't explain it probably the way you can't ask. The future is funny that way I suppose. Nothing makes sense until you're living it - then it's not the future anymore." She laughs innocently. Her words tricking me into believing that nothing should ever be so overthought as mine right now. 

"For the most part all that seems exactly where I was trying to lead my question." 

"I'm glad I could be of whatever help I just gave." We laugh and she falls backward on my other pillow. "I don't ever remember us having a conversation so in depth." Her words hold a sadness.

"No I guess we haven't," not knowing what else to say as her words have caught me off guard. "I haven't meant for that to be the case. I'm sorry."

"It's okay I just never expected you to ever really talk too deep after, well you know." Tailing off, her sentence, it hurts. Is this what my best friend has thought of me for all these years? I'm just a lost cause? I'm incapable of depth in my heart and soul?

"I have never pictured myself without depth," I finally see my walls from her point of view. I must seem so awful. Never opening up to my best friend. Allowing her to just ever sit with me while I let my thoughts open up only within myself. I guess I always thought that was enough. Here I see my dear friend sharing a part of her fear with me and i'm able to use it to see a piece of myself through her. 

"Well I don't see you without depth - you have oceans of depth." She laughs again and brushes her forehead with her hand, a moment to hide. We as humans love a moment to hide, especially ourselves. I know I've been hiding myself for as long as I could remember. In turn I've only hurt myself. Because I've missed the moments of laughing and smiling as much as I've meant to, soaking in the moments of happiness. I've kind of went along with everyone else's moments, as if I'm laughing through them. Moments of just existing there, feeling their emotions and burying my own. I wonder after all this time if I'm allowed to find myself, or even if I could find her.

"I like the sound of oceans deep." I fall next to Lemon on my other pillow. "I feel better."

"I didn't say before, but I saw the little girl who was lost all those years ago, a little over a year she came back." I hear her voice shake and my breaking heart skips a beat. I sadly know she means Jake entering my life changed me. I knew it changed me then, but I can only imagine letting my childhood friend, who thought I was lost forever, see me again. See the change in me, because I felt it on the inside while she saw it on the outside.

"I'm sorry Lemon I've never let you. I didn't know I was holding back. You've always been there for me and I couldn't be more grateful." I let my hand find her and squeeze tight.

"I'm just glad you came back. If anyone deserves it, you do." For the first time in a long time we sit in the silence with each other. Letting the rest of the world spin without us in it. We just have each other, just like when we were younger and we should have been playing dolls but were only starring at my ceiling because I didn't know how to be a normal young girl. Lemon decided back then to go through life with me, an abnormal life. Our abnormal life together. I smile because I finally see no matter what I'll never be alone, in actuality I have never been alone. Lemon has always been family, just like Brad. Now I have Jake. I just hope I can find a place for his past in my head. I have to find a place for it, he's always found a place for me. Just as Lemon and Brad have. It's just weird to know my childhood isn't as bad as it can get. Knowing people go through worse is a scary thought. Our world skims with all kinds of pain, it's the point - our point to find the light within the dark. Because even the smallest light can find it's way through the blackest of nights, just find the cracks.

Uncovered Childhood

I'm trapped. I sit inside his stare wondering if there's anything I can say to pretend we don't keep things from each other. You know when people keep secrets it's because they don't want you to know the truth, hidden truths only mean bad news for those around. This is why I never wanted to fall in love, or depend on someone. No one is ever honest, hell I haven't been honest. I guess I had this coming. Does this mean I shouldn't be so upset about his secrets? No I do, see he knows I'm blocked off and why. He has always, always been so disgusting honest with me. Finding out he keeps things from me is like a hot iron shoved down my throat. A pain I can't get to, and I'm not the one holding the iron to pull it out. I try to swallow but it's like I'm the one in trouble, though I know he's the one hiding something behind those beautifully deep blue eyes.

"Are you breathing?" His voice is steady. Trending over my fear, I feel myself let my breath out and swallow all in the same moment. "You're shaking," he grabs my hand that's been resting on his knee but I need to wipe the hair I feel tickling my my forehead. 

"I felt a chill," I lie, horribly. I pull myself up from the floor and join him on the bed. I feel my body ache from sitting in one position which would normally be uncomfortable if I were in a better sense of my mind. 

"Okay, well do you want to continue this conversation or should I just leave?" His eyes are wild with uncertainty. I know I could never let him leave, his question wasn't just to leave for the night but to end our relationship and never speak of what hides behind his normally bright and smiling face. 

"Please don't leave," I would really like to say just hold me and we can lay in silence, no one needs to break down and let the truth slip out into reality. It would be lovely to just pretend fantasy is where we live, nothing is ever a bad talk, we all tell the truth and are accepting of each other. That we live in a world without fear, we trust in each other and ourselves. Because I know most days I question myself, like how could I trust someone so wholly that I am this shocked of his secrecy. I out of everyone should understand the need to want some privacy. I mean sometimes people don't keep things to hurt you, but because they feel it's their problem and doesn't want others to share in it. Or because we fear of not being understood. I know I feel both, how could anyone understand why I have the consist need to have answers, no one I know personally has been through anything close to what I've gone through. 

"I don't want to leave Bethany, ever. But your face is white and there hasn't been any real emotion light up anywhere for a good 15 minutes. I'm trying to respect you. If you need space for the night we can talk tomorrow." His hand finds mine and he leads one to his lips. I smile. 

"I'm just processing, I think. I'm sorry. I would like to talk now. Or else I won't sleep." We both laugh and I feel my shoulders drop. I can breath easier. 

"Okay should I just talk or do you want to ask questions?"

"I don't really know what to ask because I have no clue what brought this on or where you're going to go with this." I run my hands on the outside of his.

"I guess I see that, right well how about I just talk and if you have questions just ask them. I'll try to explain as best I can." He looks away from me, out my bedroom door, as if there will be someone to come save him from the words his about to link together to be completely honest with me.

"We don't have to talk about it, Jake. I love you and I accept you all of you." I grab his face, breaking the distance and smashing his lips into mine. I feel his tension hit my tongue and his hands grip my body. His touch is different than I've ever felt. As if he's hungry for my love in a physical form. My hands find his hair and keep his head in place. He slings me around, my legs automatically open and place themselves on either side on him. All I want is for him body to slide in, against mine. It doesn't, his head pulls away from my grip. Our breathing is short and quick, our lustful moment is trying to repress, picking back up to the matter at hand. I press my forehead against his, and laugh.

"It's hard behaving around you," his tone is soft and inviting. I look up and see his eyes calm and understanding, home to me.

"I'm sorry, I wish you wouldn't behave." And it's the truth, I suddenly feel as if I need to tell him my intentions with why I'm volunteering my time at Dad's office and such. So maybe if I can distract him he won't tell me anything and I won't need to let my demons out of hell.

"No, Bethany I want you to know. Sometimes I feel as if I'm not really here. Maybe this will help me, because I want to feel like we are a team. A team I wish my parents would have been. Not that I'm saying we are going to be parents tomorrow, but Bethany I see myself with you at that point one day in our future." He smiles and I match him because I could see me as his wife and carrying his children - years and years in our future but there's an odd feeling of knowing a person is your one.

"I love you Jake, more than anything, than words. I want to hear what you have to say. I promise at the end I'll still be here and yours." I knew this to be true because there's nothing, absolutely nothing he could say that would make me leave him. He kisses me once more, lightly sparking my wants.

"My childhood coming with some baggage I never thought I would want to unload on someone." I stop breathing again, Jake as a child. I don't think we have ever spoke about his childhood. For a moment I shame myself for not concerning myself to even ask him. Some people won't open up like I do, okay so I don't really open up either but some questions need to be asked to loved ones to get the conversation started. I'm upset with myself I never bothered to ask. Then I try to let myself relax, as this conversation is not about me. It's about Jake and what he wants, needs to share. 

"Unload it with me, I'll help you unpack." A soft smile splashes across my face.

"You would do that with me?"

"Jake if I haven't made it clear by my actions and words, I have failed as a girlfriend and I promise in the future to not make you question where I stand with and for you."

"That means so much to me, you have no idea what it feels like to have someone who wants to face this world with you. See I grew up with a Dad who only wanted drugs and alcohol, needing to beat up people he claimed to love the day before. I had an older sister who tried to protect me." Slices of tiny razors were running across my chest, clawing through towards my breaking heart. I feel myself bleeding innerly. Breaking into tiny pieces for Jake not having a childhood. Though I didn't have one either, it was a childhood of being invisible. He lived in one where he wished he would have been. A tear escapes as I try so hard to stay strong or this man, my guy tearing down his walls. "Don't cry baby," he lightly brushes my tear, drying the watering path it was trying to create.

"I'm sorry, don't worry about me. Continue, please." His face creases with concern. "Seriously Jake, a sister I've never heard of, go on." As I push he seems to relax, again I'm mad with how I am rebuilding walls he's having trouble bringing down. I don't want to be a person in his life that shuts him down. I want to be his positive light.

"My Mom tried her best to protect us, but she wasn't much better. He beat her black and blue. Now though I think she didn't have the confidence to think she was worth saving much less saving us. I finally got older and he stopped using me as a punching bag. I was young though so I didn't protect my Mom or Kara." He stops and looks down. I can see on his face how he's ashamed.

"Hey. Baby," I pull him to me and hug him. Wrapping him up tightly with my arms and legs. "You were glad to be free from his abuse. Don't blame yourself Jake, you did what was best for you."

"Don't make excuses please. Let me be on the hook. For once I need to own my rule. See Bethany that's not even the worse part." He pulls away and wipes his nose quickly. "One night Dad came home, beating Kara to the brink of death, when he grabbed the knife Mom had the gun. In one moment, one night changed my whole life. And because my Mom never went to the police it wasn't self defense. Even with my testimony and Kara's hospital visit for six weeks my Mom went to jail for manslaughter. I came here and changed my last name. My grandparents buried the stories and it never reached out here. Kara's in a mental institution, she doesn't even know who I am." He stops and emotion drops from his face. "She doesn't know who I am." Whispering the words this time, as if he were just hearing the shock himself. He falls away from me and cuddles my pillow. I crawl around his body and lay behind him. I lean up to grab the light blanket at the foot of my bed and hide us under. I don't mind being the big spoon tonight knowing he needs to feel protected. I hear his light breathing and feel him shaking slightly under me. I squeeze tightly hoping I can somehow hold him together. Two broken souls trying to let our pieces entwine to make one full whole soul. And I'm okay with that, we may never be okay as separate individuals, but together I see us conquering the world. Or maybe just our problems. I get hot, I don't know if it's because our bodies heat and the blanket or because he's dropped this bomb on me and I still haven't faced him with my secrets. I can't tell him now, but how long am I supposed to wait before telling him. It'll be tricky - it can't be too soon because I don't want to take away from his secret and it can't be too long because I can't keep my walls up after he's let his down. My breathing stops.