Uncovered Childhood

I'm trapped. I sit inside his stare wondering if there's anything I can say to pretend we don't keep things from each other. You know when people keep secrets it's because they don't want you to know the truth, hidden truths only mean bad news for those around. This is why I never wanted to fall in love, or depend on someone. No one is ever honest, hell I haven't been honest. I guess I had this coming. Does this mean I shouldn't be so upset about his secrets? No I do, see he knows I'm blocked off and why. He has always, always been so disgusting honest with me. Finding out he keeps things from me is like a hot iron shoved down my throat. A pain I can't get to, and I'm not the one holding the iron to pull it out. I try to swallow but it's like I'm the one in trouble, though I know he's the one hiding something behind those beautifully deep blue eyes.

"Are you breathing?" His voice is steady. Trending over my fear, I feel myself let my breath out and swallow all in the same moment. "You're shaking," he grabs my hand that's been resting on his knee but I need to wipe the hair I feel tickling my my forehead. 

"I felt a chill," I lie, horribly. I pull myself up from the floor and join him on the bed. I feel my body ache from sitting in one position which would normally be uncomfortable if I were in a better sense of my mind. 

"Okay, well do you want to continue this conversation or should I just leave?" His eyes are wild with uncertainty. I know I could never let him leave, his question wasn't just to leave for the night but to end our relationship and never speak of what hides behind his normally bright and smiling face. 

"Please don't leave," I would really like to say just hold me and we can lay in silence, no one needs to break down and let the truth slip out into reality. It would be lovely to just pretend fantasy is where we live, nothing is ever a bad talk, we all tell the truth and are accepting of each other. That we live in a world without fear, we trust in each other and ourselves. Because I know most days I question myself, like how could I trust someone so wholly that I am this shocked of his secrecy. I out of everyone should understand the need to want some privacy. I mean sometimes people don't keep things to hurt you, but because they feel it's their problem and doesn't want others to share in it. Or because we fear of not being understood. I know I feel both, how could anyone understand why I have the consist need to have answers, no one I know personally has been through anything close to what I've gone through. 

"I don't want to leave Bethany, ever. But your face is white and there hasn't been any real emotion light up anywhere for a good 15 minutes. I'm trying to respect you. If you need space for the night we can talk tomorrow." His hand finds mine and he leads one to his lips. I smile. 

"I'm just processing, I think. I'm sorry. I would like to talk now. Or else I won't sleep." We both laugh and I feel my shoulders drop. I can breath easier. 

"Okay should I just talk or do you want to ask questions?"

"I don't really know what to ask because I have no clue what brought this on or where you're going to go with this." I run my hands on the outside of his.

"I guess I see that, right well how about I just talk and if you have questions just ask them. I'll try to explain as best I can." He looks away from me, out my bedroom door, as if there will be someone to come save him from the words his about to link together to be completely honest with me.

"We don't have to talk about it, Jake. I love you and I accept you all of you." I grab his face, breaking the distance and smashing his lips into mine. I feel his tension hit my tongue and his hands grip my body. His touch is different than I've ever felt. As if he's hungry for my love in a physical form. My hands find his hair and keep his head in place. He slings me around, my legs automatically open and place themselves on either side on him. All I want is for him body to slide in, against mine. It doesn't, his head pulls away from my grip. Our breathing is short and quick, our lustful moment is trying to repress, picking back up to the matter at hand. I press my forehead against his, and laugh.

"It's hard behaving around you," his tone is soft and inviting. I look up and see his eyes calm and understanding, home to me.

"I'm sorry, I wish you wouldn't behave." And it's the truth, I suddenly feel as if I need to tell him my intentions with why I'm volunteering my time at Dad's office and such. So maybe if I can distract him he won't tell me anything and I won't need to let my demons out of hell.

"No, Bethany I want you to know. Sometimes I feel as if I'm not really here. Maybe this will help me, because I want to feel like we are a team. A team I wish my parents would have been. Not that I'm saying we are going to be parents tomorrow, but Bethany I see myself with you at that point one day in our future." He smiles and I match him because I could see me as his wife and carrying his children - years and years in our future but there's an odd feeling of knowing a person is your one.

"I love you Jake, more than anything, than words. I want to hear what you have to say. I promise at the end I'll still be here and yours." I knew this to be true because there's nothing, absolutely nothing he could say that would make me leave him. He kisses me once more, lightly sparking my wants.

"My childhood coming with some baggage I never thought I would want to unload on someone." I stop breathing again, Jake as a child. I don't think we have ever spoke about his childhood. For a moment I shame myself for not concerning myself to even ask him. Some people won't open up like I do, okay so I don't really open up either but some questions need to be asked to loved ones to get the conversation started. I'm upset with myself I never bothered to ask. Then I try to let myself relax, as this conversation is not about me. It's about Jake and what he wants, needs to share. 

"Unload it with me, I'll help you unpack." A soft smile splashes across my face.

"You would do that with me?"

"Jake if I haven't made it clear by my actions and words, I have failed as a girlfriend and I promise in the future to not make you question where I stand with and for you."

"That means so much to me, you have no idea what it feels like to have someone who wants to face this world with you. See I grew up with a Dad who only wanted drugs and alcohol, needing to beat up people he claimed to love the day before. I had an older sister who tried to protect me." Slices of tiny razors were running across my chest, clawing through towards my breaking heart. I feel myself bleeding innerly. Breaking into tiny pieces for Jake not having a childhood. Though I didn't have one either, it was a childhood of being invisible. He lived in one where he wished he would have been. A tear escapes as I try so hard to stay strong or this man, my guy tearing down his walls. "Don't cry baby," he lightly brushes my tear, drying the watering path it was trying to create.

"I'm sorry, don't worry about me. Continue, please." His face creases with concern. "Seriously Jake, a sister I've never heard of, go on." As I push he seems to relax, again I'm mad with how I am rebuilding walls he's having trouble bringing down. I don't want to be a person in his life that shuts him down. I want to be his positive light.

"My Mom tried her best to protect us, but she wasn't much better. He beat her black and blue. Now though I think she didn't have the confidence to think she was worth saving much less saving us. I finally got older and he stopped using me as a punching bag. I was young though so I didn't protect my Mom or Kara." He stops and looks down. I can see on his face how he's ashamed.

"Hey. Baby," I pull him to me and hug him. Wrapping him up tightly with my arms and legs. "You were glad to be free from his abuse. Don't blame yourself Jake, you did what was best for you."

"Don't make excuses please. Let me be on the hook. For once I need to own my rule. See Bethany that's not even the worse part." He pulls away and wipes his nose quickly. "One night Dad came home, beating Kara to the brink of death, when he grabbed the knife Mom had the gun. In one moment, one night changed my whole life. And because my Mom never went to the police it wasn't self defense. Even with my testimony and Kara's hospital visit for six weeks my Mom went to jail for manslaughter. I came here and changed my last name. My grandparents buried the stories and it never reached out here. Kara's in a mental institution, she doesn't even know who I am." He stops and emotion drops from his face. "She doesn't know who I am." Whispering the words this time, as if he were just hearing the shock himself. He falls away from me and cuddles my pillow. I crawl around his body and lay behind him. I lean up to grab the light blanket at the foot of my bed and hide us under. I don't mind being the big spoon tonight knowing he needs to feel protected. I hear his light breathing and feel him shaking slightly under me. I squeeze tightly hoping I can somehow hold him together. Two broken souls trying to let our pieces entwine to make one full whole soul. And I'm okay with that, we may never be okay as separate individuals, but together I see us conquering the world. Or maybe just our problems. I get hot, I don't know if it's because our bodies heat and the blanket or because he's dropped this bomb on me and I still haven't faced him with my secrets. I can't tell him now, but how long am I supposed to wait before telling him. It'll be tricky - it can't be too soon because I don't want to take away from his secret and it can't be too long because I can't keep my walls up after he's let his down. My breathing stops.