Hidden Secrets

As I drive home I can only think of Jake's face, his smiling face, his lightening blue eyes glistening in the summer sun. How he always takes care of me. My mind wonders to over the summer:

I climbed into bed in the afternoon, after I had taken a hot shower. Trying to clean my nose out and give my head some pressure release. Slipping under the sheets I felt save, but my body ached and wouldn't let me find comfort. Mom had been no help earlier when I told her I felt bad. She'd offered to make me a cocktail that would knock me right out. As much as I'd loved to drink, that was not the time I wanted an alcohol beverage in my system. Once just freaking once I would have loved Mom to be the adult and take care of me. But I hadn't had that Mom since Cameron. I had rolled my eyes and crawled upstairs to shower. In hopes the hot water would help me relax enough to sleep that cold away. Nothing was on TV and the sun shining through my French doors was pissing me off.

  "I've come baring gifts!" Jake had came through my bedroom door, slinging two blue plastic bags on my bed, then pulling off his backpack. 

"What are you doing here?" I smiled and sat up as much as I could.

"What? You said on Twitter you were sick. And when you weren't answering your phone afterwards I figured you could use a sick pack." He reflected my smile and began digging into one of the plastic bags.

"Sick pack?" I raised an eyebrow wondering what the heck that could be, or include.

"Of course!" He pulled out Orange Juice, NyQuil, cards, Cosmopolitan, Vicks vapor rub. Moving to his other plastic bag he pulled out US weekly, two Nerf guns, Snicker minis, and gum. Then digging into his backpack he continued to fill my bed with The Fault in Our Stars, If I Stay, Gone In Sixty Seconds, Dude Where's My Car, Jarhead, his navy football hoodie, black fuzzy socks, and a brown teddy bear. "I think I got the whole package here." He placed a hand on his hip then scratched his head with his other one. "Oh," he runs toward my French doors and closes my thick sheets of blinds. Turning my room black, with only the light from the TV glowing. "Okay we're all set!" He walks back to the foot of my bed searching for the NyQuil and pouring me a full cup, walking it over to watch me take it all. Handing me the Orange Juice after I sucked down the medicine. As I drink the Juice he throws me his hoodie and starts putting the fuzzy socks on each foot. I watch as he puts the snacks and magazines on my bedside table on my side of the bed, places the movies on top of my TV after he plays If I Stay. Setting one Nerf gun on my side and the other on his side with the cards. Lastly handing me the teddy bear and crawling into bed beside me.

"Thank you," I say still looking at his sweet face. He laid down, opening his arm for me to lay my head on his shoulder. I just sit there. I'm so shocked I couldn't lay down. 

"Bethany, why are you looking at me like I've committed an unspeakable crime?"

"I am? I'm not meaning too, I've just never-" I stop just staring at his innocently confused expression. 

"Seriously what's going on?" He moved his hand to rub my back as I was still sitting up, wondering what just happened.

"I've never had someone take care of me." I finally let the words slide out as I laid down at his side with my head on his shoulder. 

"What? Bethany I don't believe you. You have a mother and a father in this house." He kissed my forehead. I close my heavy eyelids.

"You would think they would care some what. But both of them never have had the time for caring, much less time to ask how I'm doing. Which would entail them being active parents. I think they lost that ability when they didn't save my brother." I aimlessly ran my hand up and down his arm as he rubbed my back still with his other hand. 

"I'm sorry you've missed out on being a kid." He kissed my forehead again.

"It's okay I'm use to doing things on my own." I breathed deep, still with my eyes closed. I was feeling out of sorts. My soul didn't feel connected to my body anymore, but I still felt safe. That was the first time I had felt safe in years, probably since the last night Cameron had slept in his bed. 

"You don't have to anymore baby. I'm here and I promise you're not alone." He reached around and hugged me tight. I felt warm and cozy, it's one of those feelings that happen after getting out of a hot shower on a summer night and putting in cool PJ's slipping into bed on freshly washed sheets. Everything was perfect and felt in place. 

"I love you," they were out before I thought about them. Because I felt them before I had time to overthink it. Plus I was too heavily intoxicated with NyQuil and happiness with the fear or worry that was supposed to come along feelings of admitting love, first.

"I think I've loved you all my life, you're just not only in my dreams now." I smiled as he whispered the toxic cocktail of words. Drifting to sleep I knew he would always be my everything. I also knew our age was odd for us to find each other, but God gives you the people you need in life at the time you need them the most. And though I would have liked to met my soulmate later in life, or so I thought that's when I wanted to meet him, I was given him years earlier. I know it's because I needed him now and would forever need him. He protected me the way a father should protect his child, he adored me the way a mother should adore her child, and he gave me the respect and understand a best friend gives their best friend. I understood at that moment as I let the rush of darkest overcome me that he was all the family I would need. And I would never be able to live without this beautiful human being. 

The tears are steaming endlessly down my face. No one has said anything as we pull up to my house. Lemon and Brad rode with me, I think they saw me losing my cool and driving off a cliff. Or finding one to escape off of. I would laugh at the thought but I have no energy. I stare out my windshield, my mind racing so fast I can't focus on one thought. Where is he? Is he safe? What would make him leave school? Who would he do this for? What is he doing? Is he hiding something? Could he be hiding something? Will I see him again? Will he tell me about this? I move my hands from the steeling wheel to pull my cell phone out of my pocket. Clear screen still, I stare at it, hoping for something different. Trying to focus all my energy on a text a phone call anything from Jake right now would be amazing. I roll my eyes and let out my breath I've been unwillingly holding. 

"What can we do?" Lemon's voice is quiet like she'll awaken a beast I'm trying to hold in. I close my eyes letting more water fall and shake my head, wanting to say nothing but knew the words would be empty.

"We can go looking for him?" Brad voices from the backseat. I actually laugh.

"Where? Please tell me where we should or could start? He doesn't have his vehicle. We don't know who he's with, if he's with someone or just walking somewhere." I'm sitting up just screaming at my best friend. My eyes wide looking back at Brad. His face is innocent and hopefully. Like he'll be able to fix this if I just believe in him. I remember that same look nine years ago when he came over with his parents after a search party was sent out looking for Cameron. He came up to my room, I was sitting on my small bed holding my baseball glove. The only thing I could say to Brad when he walked in was, "Cameron really wants this glove. I don't know why. I think he thinks it's magic because I catch everything that comes my way. I'm going to wrap it and give it to him when we find him." I looked up at him - his face just stared at me, looking as though I had an answer to give him and we'd make that whole problem all better. A couple of kids believing the grown ups would fix everything. "Wanna help me wrap it?" He smiled and shook his head yes. We spent the rest of the night wrapping it perfectly and writing a note of love. That same guy is sitting in my backseat, still here to be whatever I needed him to be.

"I'm sorry," I sling my hand behind my and touch his arm. "Thank you both." I look over at Lemon. They both smile a comforting, distorted way that scares me instead of putting me at ease. 

"We will go look for him, and you can go inside and make some calls. Maybe call your Dad?" Lemon says as she opens her door, Brad follows her cue and steps out too. 

"Yeah, and we will keep in touch every 20 minutes." Brad's face lights up as I crawl out of my driver's side.

"Thanks guys, maybe we just go in have some tea and map out a plan. I'll call Dad first. Then we can spread our wings." I slap Brad's shoulder as he shuts my door.

"Tea?" Lemon makes a face as she crosses her arm to mine. Are you feeling yourself face?

"What? Doesn't tea relax you?" I question thinking I know I don't need coffee. I'm already pretty wired. The sun is warm, and the wind is breezing through my hair as we walk up my sidewalk to my front porch. We pour into the front door and stop suddenly as we hear voices from Dad's office. "Jake?" I blurt out and release my arm from Lemon's. Ghostly walking towards Dad's shut door, as excited as I am to hear Jake's voice my legs feel like jello. Relief washing over me I might pass out. Lightly knocking on the door, voices hush, and I knock again.

"Come in," his voice is low, demanding. To the point type tone. I push the door open anyway, not caring what he wants for once. I look around. Dad is sitting behind his desk, pen in hand peering up at me. I glance around his book shelves and corners. No one - just him. I'm going crazy.

"I just - uh - I thought I heard." I stop and straighten up, waving my hands to reset myself. "Dad I kinda lost Jake." Seriously the only words I could find were those. I know that sounds stupid, but I know Dad loves Jake. Sometimes I think he loves Jake more than me. I look at Dad as he sets his pen down and leans back in his chair.

"Lost Jake? Is he a purse?"

"What? No, I just meant-"

"Yes Bethany I know what you meant," he cuts me off. Tone sharp, cutting my skin. "You didn't lose him. He got himself into some trouble. He was here earlier. I'm sure he's home or needing time alone somewhere right now." Dad picks his pen back up and waves his hand at me, like I'm a client and we are done with our professional time together.

"But his truck is still here." My heart may jump out of my chest. I can't believe I just said that to him. Questioning Dad is always a bad idea.

"Bethany, Jake is his own person. Y'all are kids, stop being a drama queen, claiming you lost a person. When he wants to talk he will. Now I have work to do." He points to the door and continues writing. I turn on my heels, wanting to slam the door behind me. I don't, I close it holding the handle behind my back as I lean against it after I hear it click. Lemon and Brad are staring at me. I hear their voices but can't section out the words they are saying. My thoughts are streaming again. I look upward trying to catch one, but I can't. Trouble? What kind? He goes to my Dad? Before me? Over me? Where did he go? And before I could think of something else I push off the door and rush pass Lemon and Brad. Winding the corner, taking the steps two at a time. Skipping down the hallway, almost tripping as I slow to turn into my room. There he's sitting on my bed, holding my wrapped glove. He looks so beautiful in the setting sunlight, his head sets up toward me. I walk over to him and drop to my knees in front of him as I see the outline of dried tears on his checks.

"There's a lot we haven't shared with each other Bethany." I look up at him as his words wash over me. Is he questioning me? My past I haven't shared? My investigating behind his back? I feel extremely warm and a lump of guilt gets stuck in my throat. "I've kept some secrets." What?

Ghost's Past

"Well, uh," my mouth goes completely dry. I feel as if I may pass out. I only remember once feeling like this, as s freshman and cheerleading names were called out over the intercom at school. I was sitting down for that, standing up and facing his stern beautiful face is giving my knees a jello emotion. "I- I'm going to sit down." I state as I turn and walk in a daze motion to the edge of my bed.

"Seriously Bethany? I just want the truth and that doesn't take a long time to spit out. I don't like games so if you're hiding something we can end this." His words are cold and I feel a wall between us. Would he really be able to leave me? I don't think I could ever see myself leaving him. Struggling though with him leaving me for hiding this or telling the truth. I may be alone either way.

"You could really leave me?" I don't know why I'm asking, I doubt I could face his truth of an answer. He sighs and his face relaxes. He sits down on the bed beside me looking at my fluffy beige carpet. 

"Honestly, yes Bethany." Tears flood my eyes instantly, my throat burns from the pain in my chest. He looks at me in my blurry vision. "Not because I don't really love, but because if you're keeping secrets you couldn't possible love me. You're my best friend. I trust you with everything - I only want the same respect from you." His sharp honesty cut deep. I felt warm blood racing throughout my body to keep it from melting into my bed. He does love me and respect me. I'm his best friend, after a horrible day those three words; his best friend, were everything to me. I guess here goes nothing-

"I guess I just wanted information, and he was the only one I thought of. I know it was wrong to lie- I didn't mean to be secretive."

"But you did, or else you would have told me. Bethany when a person lies, if it's not for a good surprise it's because they know it is wrong, and the lie is in place as a scapegoat of another person's feelings."

  "Huh?"

"Okay, you lied to me because you didn't know me getting upset about you going to talk to Chase alone. Why?" 

"I didn't want you thinking I was crazy because I don't know anything about the case against my grandfather and why his name is always brought up. I don't know what links the murders to my bloodline."

"Bethany." I shift under his glare as my vision turns to clear. My fingers are dancing with each other in my lap. He places his hand over both mine to steady me. I relax me shoulders.

"And I didn't want a fight of who I had to collect the information from."

"Ah the truth, feel better?" 

"No, I still feel bitter about the news and that I came home without information. Now even worse because you found out I went anyway and it was a waste of my time."

"Next time don't lie, or do something you know would hurt me or piss me off. You know I hate Chase and he'll give you enough information to run back to him next time a story about your family leaks. 

"He didn't give me any information though," I feel my tone shaking as I'm getting angry he isn't understanding my point. As I feel his point lash out through he sharp stare I open my mouth to refresh the conversation. "But I understand what you mean Jake, I won't lie again, nor go behind your back. 

"Thank you," he smiles and rubs his thumb softly over the back of my hands. "I want to help with your problems too, what's yours is mine. We work as a team." He leans over and kisses me, moving his hand from mine to my thigh. I instinctively bring my hands to wrap around his neck, keeping his lips on mine as we deepen the kiss. All of the day's troubles fades into the dark part of my mind as all I want right now is to kiss Jake until it's a new day.

Two weeks later

 I stare at the clock behind Ms. Brown's blond short hair as she talks about the structure of a sentence. All I can think is 20 more minutes left of this incredibly long Friday. Cheerleading has been cancelled due to the bonfire or the start to football season. Although cheerleading, Dad's office, Jake's arms, and sleep felt like the only few events my life has consisted of since school began. I haven't found anything useful at Dad's office, there's only boring traffic tickets, trespassing, mail box smashing, and prenatal agreements forms I file. Answering the phone for appointments and hours, the fun ones are the directions- like are you not from here? Because we are in the heart of Jackson County, right in front of the courthouse in the square, which anyone who lives in 100 mile radius is aware of our location. But who am to judge? I hand over the address and directions, telling them politely to call back if need be. 

I'm mainly ready to have time by myself in the office or given more responsibility. I know Dad knows something about why the news stories continue digging into our family. Jake hasn't brought anything up since our talk. I think he knows I'm still trying to find answers, but now the topic just sits in the room as a ghost. Not because he doesn't trust me, or that I don't want to share my quest with him, but sometimes some events need to be done on your own. This is the case in this subject. I don't want to open up and share my past just yet. He respects that, I think, I mean why shouldn't he? He hasn't told me jack about Cali and his past. It's that feeling we both probably have of fear of the truth. As soon as it's said out loud and pictures are painted of reality in our heads it's hard to steer a future without the old paint soaking through. At least that's my fear, I don't see Jake as a kid of a young teen with friends or girls - I get sick, I don't understand the feeling or know where to put it; so I pretend this is the only time he's had in life and it gets me by.

The bell rings and I pop up. My skin is screaming with pulses. I wasn't prepared for the bell. My mind isn't being my friend lately, and they always say your thoughts make you sane or crazy. I'm afraid of the direction I'm heading in. Bending over I pick up my back pack and shove my books and notebook inside. Slinging it over my shoulder I merge into the crowds of the hallway. I don't know how I'll make it through the night of the bonfire. I know I'm supposed to be enjoying life, I'm young, rich, have great friends and a hot boyfriend. But the weights of the past are heavy and the ties to cut is a thick cable. 

"What's happening sweet Betherz?" Lemon pops up as I open my locker.

"You know I hate that name." I feel my voice even and lifeless, about how my motions are seeming as I put my books from my locker into my back for the weekend of hopefully catching up on homework. As lame as my life sounds, I feel like my only hope for a normal future is getting out of the state of Georgia. 

"Yeah but you usually smile when someone says it. So it's like you hate it publicly but secretively you love it." She smirks her thin lips at me, knowing my thoughts. I think the odd meaning behind nick names are a good omen. People like you enough to give you a name that's all yours, and I am lucky enough to at least have sweet in front of it. 

"So how did Karen take the news of not getting on the Varsity Cheerleading Squad?" I shut my locker and face Lemon's ghost face full of happiness. Her smirk turns into a soft smile, and she pushes her thin long blond hair off her face. Her green eyes lightly looking into mine hoping I'm not becoming depressed I'm sure. Though she saves me a lot of the time, she's the one who seriously would be lost without me. I know this, and it scares me. To have so much power over other people - and I don't say that out of cockiness, it's just how some rules are taken on. I just happen to hide my thoughts with being as happy on the outside as I possible can be. 

"Well she's been quiet today, but you warned her. It's nothing against her. She's a freshman. Plus it's just cheerleading - not the end of the world." We walk towards the middle of the hallway to meet the guys at the staircase. 

"You're right, I just hate crushing dreams. I remember what it was like to be a freshman and feeling like that was my only hope to being anyone in my high school days."

"Quite truth sweet Betherz, however, it's not a tragedy, just cheerleading." We stop at the edge of the wall right before the turn to head down the center staircase. I laugh as Lemon jokes as she always does about cheerleading. It's just another plan to demeanor women and keep them as sex symbols. The point of the humor is she's a cheerleader, one of the best we have actually. 

"Have we ever beat them before?" Change of subject I feel is needed and point the conversation elsewhere.

"No, that must be a good sign for a wonderful night." She smiles heavily at me. We have a giggle session as we wave at some groups who yell heys and goodbyes, see you tonights as most classmates hurry out to the freedom of the weekend. 10 minutes pass and we are still just hanging out, starting to feel like losers being stood up.

"Finally, dude where have you been?" I ask as Brad walks up from the opposite end of staircase hallway.

"Just got held after class for some dumbass reason." Something seems off. 

"What reason?" I quiz the truth.

"Because I answers a question wrong." his voice is even and he doesn't look at me. His feet are apparently better looking.

"Brad!"

"Fine, I just went looking for Jake."

"Jake? What do you mean looking for him?"

"What else would I mean. If you're looking for someone it usually almost always means you can't find them."

"Okay smartass." Lemon takes the words out of my mouth, as I can't find any. Where would Jake be. I'm just confused and in shock. I've never not known where Jake's location was - is this my punishment for the other week, I oddly wonder to myself.

"Okay, so did he just leave class from a bathroom break and not return or did he go hoe early?" I say as loud as I can but only voices as a whisper.

"He was called out of class, he returned a few minutes later with a white face, gets his things and leaves. Ms. Brooklyn kept asking where he was going and he didn't answer."

"Wow that could get him kicked off the football team." Lemon's face is even, without emotion and I can't even imagine what mine looks like as I wonder what could be more important than football. We have a plan to get out of Georgia, and while he has money - he always talks about not using his parents money. Therefore football is all the hope we have for him. I can't catch my breath, it's like there's an elephant sitting on my chest. I grab my sides and bend slightly over trying to hold my breaking faith together.

"Bethany?" Brad touches my shoulder, "we will figure out what's going on. I'm sure Ms. Brooklyn won't turn him in. She kept looking for him to return. She's probably just as worried." As he keeps talking I quit listening and pull my phone out of my back pocket. It's only a screen of us. We are smiling at each other with an ocean behind us. Now all I can think is I'm as clueless about where or what could be going on as I was about what laid beneath the ocean behind us that day. Secrets are funny that way, when it's so easy for me to keep, why wouldn't it be easy for someone else to keep them. Now I know how he felt two weeks ago. My thoughts run wild, and one runs to Jake investigating my family's past on his own. I don't feel my legs any longer and Brad's hands are on my waist guiding my to the ground. I can't get a grip, I just see blurry movements. If Jake is in any trouble and it's my fault I'll never be able to forgive myself. And let's face it I've never really forgiven myself for Cameron. How does one come back from two tragic events when they haven't even fully gotten over the first?  

Head Stones & Tasted Lies

Even in the heat everything here always feels cold to me. All the gray stones, laying on the ground or standing tall it doesn't matter, all had writings of lives passed. To me it is cold and lonely. I think I'll want to be cremated, at least I'd go out in flames. Out on the edge of all the stones I find a seven foot stone of a boy looking at the sky, forever frozen in the sun, standing looking up at himself.

"Hi." I clear my throat and touch his arm as they are crossing behind his back. He use to stand like this all the time, asking all types of questions. He'd ask where do the clouds sleep, how are the angels houses built in outer space, Who looked down on us when the sky was clear blue. He always had the best questions, really made you think and not mind that his questions never ended. Well they made you wish hiss questions never had ended anyway.

"I know it's been a few weeks, I'm a bad big sister." I squeeze his stone hand and lay on the grass in front of him. I close my eyes imagining his last thoughts. I have never been told exactly what happened to him. I wonder if I ever will, or if I even want to know. I open my eyes letting the sun dry the tears that burn the corners of my eyes as they run to hide in my hair.

"I have no excuse, I was out living a life, with Jake not really even my friends. Enjoying my last moments of summer without school and responsibility. It's lame I know. I miss you though, a lot. I often wonder if you'd be dating. You'd be a freshman this year. Probably look exactly like he did at that age. Playing all the ladies, I'd have to teach you to respect them and treat them how you'd want me treated. How Jake treats me." I run my arms up and down, over my head, down to my sides. Feeling the grass against my bare skin. Moments like this under the warm setting sun and the itchy grass I couldn't be more alive, and it broke my heart he wasn't here, he'd never be here. He would never feel these moments, the small ones that make life worth the ride.

"I went and saw Chase, the news talked about grandfather again. I know he's up there listening. He's most likely telling you to cover your ears." I laugh thinking of times at grandfather's house when grandmother would come in talking gossip. He'd always make Cameron cover his ears saying no one needed to fill their head with useless words about other people's lives. I smile again, knowing that's the exact reason I hate anything in a newspaper. Even though I know most of the news is true, I guess I like to hide in a world where my eyes are blind to those truths.

"I wish I wouldn't have had that sleep over. I would have been watching you. This whole town should have been watching you. I can't believe you were so easy to get to, so trustworthy. I miss you Cameron, a lot. Chase says I need to view this grandfather situation from another view point. I've been thinking about this statement all the way over. Okay so I could see grandfather killing Keith, that's easy to see. It's the point that his name continues to be brought up. Like he's still out there murdering from the grave. He couldn't be right?" I think for a spilt second maybe he could be. Knowing I am going slightly crazy. 

"No I know he's not. My first day back and I couldn't even make it to cheerleading practice. Is it bad I dislike popularity but I don't want to live without it?" I sit up crossing my arms over my knees. "Yeah dumb question. I know." Sitting my head on my arms I see the grass in the shade of my body, with all the light outlining me. It hits me like a ton of bricks. Chase was trying to tell me someone knows something, at that paper or an informant to the paper. Here I am sitting in the dark surrounded by all these answers but I am sitting in my own way because I don't want to dig inside my family. My phone vibrants and I snap up. I slow my racing heart with deep breathes, knowing this will soon get tricky. Tip toeing around the people I am supposed to trust the most, the ones who have bonded with me over a huge moment in time none of us have gotten over, even the death of his killer wasn't our closure. And if my grandfather didn't kill Keith, who did? Were they the same person killing the rest of the people in this town.?

I pull my phone out - missed call from Jake - I feel sick to my stomach. I know I lied earlier, but telling him I am investigating my grandfather's name seems so complicated. Would he leave me for a girl with less drama from the past? Or just stay with me because he feels bad I'm crazy. I shut my phone screen to black and put it down on the ground, feeling myself get lost in all my thoughts. Wondering about these murders, trying to place pieces where I couldn't make them fit, seeing if anything was in common. I don't even think the news really points dots together. Sometimes reporters would link the murders or refer to one that happened months, years ago, but there isn't a name for the serial killer. I have never seen the FBI called in, it's like Jackson just pretends murdering isn't a criminal act. It's probably a police officer or judge committing the murders. 

I fall back against the ground thinking which one it could be. There is a lot of people who have been in their same careers for the last ten years. It's too many to think, I shut my eyes as the sun sets a little further behind the trees. How will I face Jake? Tell the truth or follow my lie?

* * * * *

"I missed you dropping by the office today Bethany." Dad's tone is quizzing me. I look across the maguey dining table. His eye brow is raised and he's sitting tall as he chews on his bloody steak. I poke at mine, wondering how he eats his rare while I have to have mine cooked well done.

"Yeah, uh, cheerleading ran later than I thought. It won't happen again." I know good and well I would never be able to tell him what I was looking into earlier. I also didn't want to answer questions about stopping by Cameron's grave.

"Okay, see to it that it doesn't. Just because it's my practice and your my daughter doesn't mean I won't fire you."

"Before my first day, jeesh." I try to joke, I smile and peek below my lashes. His face is stern, not a joking night I see.

"Bethany."

"Okay, I know, I'm sorry sir. It will not happen again."

"Good because if you want to learn how a job in the real world works you need to know, no one gets a break. Ever."

"Where's Mom?" I cut my thin piece of meat and pop it into my mouth trying to force food down and the subject to lighten.

"She wasn't feeling well. She ate in her room tonight."

"I hope she feels better, does she need anything from me?" I already know the answer. She's drunk, like every night. She didn't ever need anything from anyone. She only needs Cameron, and maybe for my Dad to actually come around like he still had a family left.

"I'm sure she'll be fine, I am returning to the office tonight to finish my case preparations for court tomorrow. I expect you to stay home." 

"Of course, it is a Monday night." For a few seconds all you can hear is a lonely house without laughter to fill it, only the quiet clanging of Dad's silverware against his plate, as I am still just poking my food. "Uh, I was wondering if you heard about the uh-news?" I can't even look up, heat fills my throat and I don't think I will be able to hear his answer over the beating of my heart.

"Of course I saw the news, Bethany I'm a lawyer. I live the news. They only wanted to dig and remind the town of your grandfather if that's what you are referring to." He pops a piece of fat in his mouth. I can hear the chewing change in his rhyme. I feel chills, I hate the fat. "There's no need you should be thinking about that. You're too young, plus they are just trying to put my character on trial since I have this case in courting starting tomorrow." I know he's bringing up the case that will begin tomorrow. Defending a college student who was raped at the beginning of the summer. She was at a party celebrating her completion of her freshman year without flunking out. She is a beautiful blonde, innocent but since she was drunk and wearing a skirt she asked for three frat guys to take turns with her. Dad won't discuss much about how the young girl is doing or what is going on with the evidence. He says it's not my business, it's hers but unfortunately after the trial it will be the world's business, and anyone will have the right to their opinion. 

"I didn't think of that. I'm just curious as to if you thought maybe they were right, if maybe-"

"Bethany! That is not even a question, or thought. There is no truth to your grandfather doing such an awful thing nor have an accomplice who is still carrying out his wishes from the grave." His voice shuttered my confidence and I know I won't eat for sure now. I steady my nerves and carry my plate into the kitchen. My steak missing only two small bites and one cut away but left, my green beans untouched, and my mashed potatoes topped with a gravy volcano. Looking so soft I scoop a small piece and let it drop into my mouth deliciously melting letting the warmth sink in. Instead of scrapping my food into the trash I set it up into the microwave, hoping I'll want it before bed - after I let my nerves settle into a normal setting. 

I slide out of the kitchen, pass Dad's office, towards the staircase. I just need to be in the safety of my room. I move to the edge of the hallway as I pass Cameron's room, an empty room that use to hold so much love and happiness. Now the door is never open, doesn't see the light. I walk into my room and jump, he's just standing in the light of my closed french doors. 

"You scared me!" I'm holding my chest trying to catch my heart of jumping out of its cages, as I open the doors to let him in.

"What's this?" He holds his phone in my face, for some reason before I read his evidence I know I'm in trouble my stomach drops for the second time tonight, 50th for the day I'm sure. I steady his shakingly mad hand, read the tweet from Chase. Love surprise visits from @Betherz00. Well no need in faking being sick anymore, I am certainly feeling a moment of bitter sickness. I taste my lies and they are awful. I guess here goes nothing - a dose of the truth should wash my taste buds clean. I hope.     

Judgment

Standing in the hot sun outside the tall, stone building. Jackson Chronicles our one and only paper - well besides the Maxwell Depth, our high school online gossip paper. It always has the best stories though, truth or lies. I shallow and walk up the seven steps onto the wide porch, leading into the huge glass door. The metal door handle is cool from being in the shade most of the day. As soon as I open these doors I already know the noise will overwhelm me. I have been here four times before, always looking for answers, always hoping for more. Maybe now since I'm older I'll get more. 

It's always magical inside though. Knowing this is where the news gets written, reviewed, and sent out for our read. Our judgment. Walking in the ceilings are high and the lights are bright. The keys are ticking with fingers scattering across the boards, there's laughter, and hushed whispers while co-workers converse, and lean over one another's shoulders. I sure this career has it's perks, but I only see the dark side that brings others unfortunate shame. 

"Chase Forbes?" I lean over the first desk I come across. The pretty brunette with dark eyes behind her small glasses didn't even look at me as she points to the back of the room. "Is that supposed to mean upstairs or an office in the back?" I know my question came out with some bitch tones, but I didn't like being ignored. She stops typing and looks at me.

"Oh wow, you're Bethany Hurley? Jefferson Hurley's granddaughter. This is such a honor!" Her voice was high and squeaky. I don't like it. 

"Yes, good job. Glad to know the news is right about something." I roll my eyes and cross my arms. "Chase?" I direct my point, hoping she gets on with it.

"Of course, yeah. He's upstairs now. Second office on the left. I can show you-"

"No that's okay I think I know my left from my right." I walk down the middle of the row of desks. I shrug my shoulders to my self. Maybe I shouldn't have been so ha on her, I'm sure she didn't have anything to do with the news or what was written online. Right now though this whole place could burn and I wouldn't care. I move up the winding staircase, knowing I have a battle on my hands. At the top everything is a lot quieter. It is actual scarier, like thinking goes into the lies these jackasses write. Glass walls for offices, always on display. I shake my head and walk in as Chase smiles brightly at me.

"I should have known I would get a pleasant surprise from you today." His deep voice fills the office and probably half the hallway outside his open door. He stands and walks to me.

"Yes, I wonder how you knew." I throw my hand up against his force, touching his muscles under his thin blue tee. Chase went to my high school just two years ago. He still is as gorgeous as he was as a senior. His dad got him a job here, and he found some evidence in an old cold case file about a 15-year old who was murdered 10 years ago. Lead the police to make an arrest, nothing stuck but the murderer, Kyle Black, ended up dead five days after his release. Big surprise. Either way I'm guessing that's how he moved up so quickly without a degree of any sorts, that and his good looks and southern charm probably doesn't ever hurt his case.

"Okay, okay," he backs away, smiling his sweet smile with dimples deep in his soft smooth cheeks. His skin was darkened with a Georgia tan, teeth so white they shine, his blonde hair pushed neatly back, and his sparkling green eyes hiding all the secrets that haven't been twisted with a lie just yet.

"Let's hear what excuse you want to fed me today?" I cross my hands, not sure about sitting in one of the two black leather chairs sitting in front of his desk. Who would visit this office?

"Oh came with a fire did we?" He doesn't walk to sit down either, instead he leans against his short book shelf, full of awards on top. So cocky. I suddenly wonder what Jake would think of me being here. Chase never meant anything to me, but for a few months freshman year we tried to make something work. I just couldn't deal with all his parties and the thought of college girls soon taking him away from me. I was too imaginative and he was too carefree.

"I always come with fire, but I can save us both some time, as we know yours is full of dollar signs and lies." I came here for business no need in sidelining, Chase was and is someone I would never want to get to know.

"Ouch Bethany Hurley, who are you?" 

"I'm bitter, and I want answers. Why does this stupid news always dig up news that died years ago? Proof of words never leading to a damn thing? All these games you and this paper are playing have taken it's toll one too many times don't you think?" I sternly say my words, making sure to lock inside the tears. My irritation wins, or I will make sure it wins over the ill way ward I have with my family being taken through the mud, yet again.

"I don't know where you get off coming to my place of work and accusing, but as you know we are the newspaper. And I am yet but one person of about 120?" His smile drops and his eyebrow raises. He hasn't dealt with me in a while, it's probably been a year since we ran into each other at the coffee shop inside town.

"Well as I recall Mr. Chase pulls weight throughout this paper. I'm surprised you're hiding this." I drop my hands, knowing I'm wasting my time. I think of a different angle. "Okay look I'm not here to point blame."

"I think you did, and you have."

"Right," I take a deep breath. "Well if you took a moment and placed yourself inside my shoes you could see my side. I see that's asking too much. The point I came here to make is why?"

"Why?" His face crinkles into confusion.

"Yes, why does my family continue to be linked around these murders?" The room breathes for a few seconds as he wipes his face with his hands. 

"I thought you were more than just a pretty face Bethany." His matter of fact tone pisses me off.

"What?" I step back as he pushes hisself off the shelf. 

"Sometimes you need to think about looking from others' shoes." His eyebrow raises again and I'm curious as to what he means. "It'll all come full circle."

"Your words are a game, just like when you say them to girls." I turn on my heels and walk down the hallway toward the staircase. I feel as if I need several showers. I hate discussing my family and our problems and when I chat with him I feel like I'm naked with all my shame hanging out. Look from someone else's point of view...what could he mean? I consider myself an open person, I don't take one idea and run with them...well all the time. I guess I could be one sighted to my family, but that's obvious we have nothing to do with these murders. If anything one, if we did have something to do with them, I could see it for one. I mean hell I would murder someone for my family, especially my little brother. And my grandfather loved Cameron. I hurry down the stairs, through all the noise once more until I'm free outside. The only thing shining down on me is the sun's rays. I need someone to talk to, anyone. I have never felt so alone in this world. I continue down more stairs waiting to enter hell. I run to my jeep and shut myself inside. Wondering if I could trust Jake with my secrets, my thoughts? As the tears escape and hurry down my cheeks, I crank my engine and turn toward a place I could always be safe. A place I spent my childhood. Cameron's grave. 

Losing the Crown

Pulling into the student parking I feel everyone's eyes on my car. Today is not going to be the day I had planned out in my head. I had wanted to hold Jake's hand, design a different shelf organizations in my locker, sleep during study hall, and laugh all throughout the perfect day to my junior year. Now I'll be getting attention from stares of wonder, instead of stares of jealousy. Sadly I didn't know which I'd rather have. I have always liked being popular and one of the prettier girls in school, I mean who wouldn't. I am also one of the few girls who actually studies and focuses on more than my outer beauty, didn't mean I'm not thankful for the outer part.

"Hey?" Jake's voice pulls me into focus. His face is soft and questioning my thoughts.

"Let's face the music," I smile and double squeeze his hand before I release it to climb out. I'm still wondering what the news is saying about my grandfather, but I feel I can get through the day better if I read it when I get home. I will have more time to process what lies are being rewritten. I step out of my car and inwardly roll my eyes just thinking of the bull.

"Good thing you're used to attention, Bethany." Rebecca really could be annoying sometimes.

"Yes, thank heavens," I can't keep the irritation out of my voice. So funny let's pick on the girl's family who lost a loved one. People sometimes were so heartless and judgmental. Disguising is what it is.

"How about we drop it? I mean today is beautiful and we're young." Jake meets me at the back as I grab my bag. Slips his hand on the small of my back and kisses my hair. "Who cares what others think? Really? We have own thoughts and if you don't let this bother you, you'll still come out on top. I know you'll handle today with grace-just like everything else." I smile knowing his right, well sort of. He obviously did not know I am a 16-year old girl and my emotions are as unstable as a house of cards. I'm just waiting on my wind storm. But I'll let him have his fun and try to make him proud as I move throughout the day.

"Are you kidding what they think is everything." Rebecca points to the school as we walk towards the 3 level brick building. 

"Leave it to Becca to throw shade anyone's way."

"I guess that's why you're still the most popular girl in school, you just don't care." I try to ignore her last comment. I know she's right, but if I'm so popular and my secret is easy why isn't everyone popular. I have become to hate the words. A word that describes a person's place in school, society. Why is it so powerful? Shouldn't someone's worth come down to their personality? I should be judged on how I interact with other's no matter if they can help me, hurt me, or do nothing for me. 

"Superficial answer," I mutter as we step onto the side walk and continue up the stairs to the doors to enter the knowledge High School could bring.

"Maxwell High, how does it feel to be a Senior Becca?" Jake's tone is condescending, I know he's about to be a smartass. I place my finger nail in my teeth to stop my cat's smile.

"Great, knowing this is my last first day in this place is wonderful." She is lighting up with pride of knowing she's almost free while we have two more years.

"Even more great knowing you road with Juniors to your Senior year?"  

"You're such a prick, Jake." Her face turns down as she places her hands on either side of her hips making her seem as if she were a 3-year-old throwing a fit in Wal-Mart.

"I thought so. Let's go princess we have growing up to do." He leads me up the stairs to the second floor where our lockers are. Leaving Rebecca down with the freshman, she can walk to the third floor alone. Our school is huge but small all at the same time. Our town is so small that the High School that was built more than a century ago can still be used. The story is always so weird to me. Apparently back in the early 1900s a Knight, Joe Maxwell ran off with a small armory after the leader of his town declared him not fit to marry his daughter. The books test that 25 men left a town in Florida and moved this far. He built Jackson with 25 men, 16 women, and about 70 children. The town is said to have don extremely well on their own. Though apparently just a few short years later Maxwell went missing. I have my theories, but not that history always makes the headlines when someone else is murdered. All because a man built our town on disobeying a father's wishes, now our town's punishment is a high murder rate. Though it was an on going joke a few years back that Maxwell himself was in fact the murderer.

"Babe? Did you hear me?"

"I'm sorry what?"

"Where do you go when you zone out?"

"No where, I mean I was just thinking about a few years ago when they joked about Maxwell being the killer."

"I wouldn't know about that." He puts his notebooks for after lunch inside his locker. I think he feels so type of way about not growing up here. Most of us all feel connected in a way, probably because we were all born inside the murderous town.

"I'm sorry. We have a lot of clip outs at home. I kept a script book. I'll share them with you tonight." I smile and place my hand on his shoulder, pulling myself on my toes to kiss his cheek.

"You don't have to," his low voice shuttered my heart. Jake's one of the sweetest, strongest guys I've ever met. Him feeling left out makes me always want to dig into his past but I shove the emotion under a dirty rug quickly. I return to putting my notebooks away to, shutting my locker door.

"No baby, I want to. I love sharing everything with you." I lean against my closed locker and wink as he shuts his locker.

"Okay if you insist." He lets a smile share space on his face.

"You're cute when you pout though." I poke my fingers at him making him laugh and softly smack me away.

"Awe aren't you guys just the cutest couple there ever was?!" Brad coos as he and Lemon approach us.

"Yes they are, I vote ruler of all." Lemon's small voice chimes in. We all laugh. 

"Everyone wants to be a smartass today." I shoot back. We all start down the hall towards homeroom.

"Wait who else is taking our place as lead?" Brad aims his arms in front of us stopping our pace.

"You'll never guess which senior needed a ride to school today because her Lexus is in the shop....again?" I roll my eyes with enough over exaggeration to make my eyes temperately white.

"Rebecca?!" His question and answer makes his face turn up as if he were smelling something bad.

"I heard her parents haven't paid taxes in some odd number of years." Lemon always has the downlow on all the town's gossip. Her mom writes the gossip column so she knew everyone along with their business, some truth mostly lies. The tax I actually believe. Rebecca hasn't had her car in months. All summer she stayed in. Took Lemon pointing gossip or the truth out to make me realize Rebecca's summer must have been lonely and scary. I wonder what her future will hold now...

"How was New York Brad I feel as if you took some terms home with you." I hint towards his phase of you guys over y'all. 

"It was so so, nothing like being back in the South." He tries to add some southern accent over top of his Yankee tones. It's always funny when he comes home from visiting his family up North. He brings all the different parts down South. "No sweet tea blew though!"

I slowly stop listening as he talks about the train rides and getting lost. We are getting to the end of the hallway and I have noticed everyone's eyes on me. It's like a bad dream, the one where you're walking to have to give a speech and you look down and you're still in your P.J.'s. Yeah that one. I feel my blood boiling, who are they to look and throw judgment. I really hate opinions and the past.

"Baby, stop, they are looking like always because you're beautiful."

"No, I see what you're doing and stop. Their looks are deeper than my appearance." I cut my eyes at Jake. As Brad stops talking and switches views to join our conversation.

"She's right, everyone would love to see the princess of all the land fall." Brad's tone echoes such truths I'd really like to punch.

"Okay let's just change the subject. Here's my class, see y'all after." I duck in quickly leaving Jake's lips empty. I feel bad but I am overwhelmed and I don't know where this path is leading. Brad is right though, it only takes one big event to change the tides and me lose my crown. I know I don't like being popular for the wrong reasons, but I am shallow at times. I don't know what I would do without being in control or in charge of the in crowd. Of course I'm not really sure when I became the main girl to go to or when my opinion meant the most but I know I'm not ready to know what to do without it. I walk to the back and take my seat, pulling out my notebook and pen. Flipping out the book for Chemistry that will be mine for the semester. My used but new to me book. Just like people, no one is brand new.

"Hi Bethany." Jamie calls as she skips to the seat next to me.

"Hi." Jamie has been a friend since junior high, pretty long brown hair with darker eyes. She is probably the nicest girl anyone could meet. She always seems so carefree, more like Lemon than me. I would give anything to feel as they do. 

"I'm sorry about all this mishap with the news." Her lips spilt different ways, trying to let her soft voice not be the only sympathy. I smile knowing she's sincere.

"Thanks, I just can't believe it still makes the news." As class comes to a pull, I collect my thoughts. Seriously why does it always make it into the news. Maybe I should have a stop by the station after school, maybe skip cheerleading. They would understand. I have to find out what they know that I don't. Because neither one of my parents knew my name anymore, much less what I want or need to know.