Even in the heat everything here always feels cold to me. All the gray stones, laying on the ground or standing tall it doesn't matter, all had writings of lives passed. To me it is cold and lonely. I think I'll want to be cremated, at least I'd go out in flames. Out on the edge of all the stones I find a seven foot stone of a boy looking at the sky, forever frozen in the sun, standing looking up at himself.
"Hi." I clear my throat and touch his arm as they are crossing behind his back. He use to stand like this all the time, asking all types of questions. He'd ask where do the clouds sleep, how are the angels houses built in outer space, Who looked down on us when the sky was clear blue. He always had the best questions, really made you think and not mind that his questions never ended. Well they made you wish hiss questions never had ended anyway.
"I know it's been a few weeks, I'm a bad big sister." I squeeze his stone hand and lay on the grass in front of him. I close my eyes imagining his last thoughts. I have never been told exactly what happened to him. I wonder if I ever will, or if I even want to know. I open my eyes letting the sun dry the tears that burn the corners of my eyes as they run to hide in my hair.
"I have no excuse, I was out living a life, with Jake not really even my friends. Enjoying my last moments of summer without school and responsibility. It's lame I know. I miss you though, a lot. I often wonder if you'd be dating. You'd be a freshman this year. Probably look exactly like he did at that age. Playing all the ladies, I'd have to teach you to respect them and treat them how you'd want me treated. How Jake treats me." I run my arms up and down, over my head, down to my sides. Feeling the grass against my bare skin. Moments like this under the warm setting sun and the itchy grass I couldn't be more alive, and it broke my heart he wasn't here, he'd never be here. He would never feel these moments, the small ones that make life worth the ride.
"I went and saw Chase, the news talked about grandfather again. I know he's up there listening. He's most likely telling you to cover your ears." I laugh thinking of times at grandfather's house when grandmother would come in talking gossip. He'd always make Cameron cover his ears saying no one needed to fill their head with useless words about other people's lives. I smile again, knowing that's the exact reason I hate anything in a newspaper. Even though I know most of the news is true, I guess I like to hide in a world where my eyes are blind to those truths.
"I wish I wouldn't have had that sleep over. I would have been watching you. This whole town should have been watching you. I can't believe you were so easy to get to, so trustworthy. I miss you Cameron, a lot. Chase says I need to view this grandfather situation from another view point. I've been thinking about this statement all the way over. Okay so I could see grandfather killing Keith, that's easy to see. It's the point that his name continues to be brought up. Like he's still out there murdering from the grave. He couldn't be right?" I think for a spilt second maybe he could be. Knowing I am going slightly crazy.
"No I know he's not. My first day back and I couldn't even make it to cheerleading practice. Is it bad I dislike popularity but I don't want to live without it?" I sit up crossing my arms over my knees. "Yeah dumb question. I know." Sitting my head on my arms I see the grass in the shade of my body, with all the light outlining me. It hits me like a ton of bricks. Chase was trying to tell me someone knows something, at that paper or an informant to the paper. Here I am sitting in the dark surrounded by all these answers but I am sitting in my own way because I don't want to dig inside my family. My phone vibrants and I snap up. I slow my racing heart with deep breathes, knowing this will soon get tricky. Tip toeing around the people I am supposed to trust the most, the ones who have bonded with me over a huge moment in time none of us have gotten over, even the death of his killer wasn't our closure. And if my grandfather didn't kill Keith, who did? Were they the same person killing the rest of the people in this town.?
I pull my phone out - missed call from Jake - I feel sick to my stomach. I know I lied earlier, but telling him I am investigating my grandfather's name seems so complicated. Would he leave me for a girl with less drama from the past? Or just stay with me because he feels bad I'm crazy. I shut my phone screen to black and put it down on the ground, feeling myself get lost in all my thoughts. Wondering about these murders, trying to place pieces where I couldn't make them fit, seeing if anything was in common. I don't even think the news really points dots together. Sometimes reporters would link the murders or refer to one that happened months, years ago, but there isn't a name for the serial killer. I have never seen the FBI called in, it's like Jackson just pretends murdering isn't a criminal act. It's probably a police officer or judge committing the murders.
I fall back against the ground thinking which one it could be. There is a lot of people who have been in their same careers for the last ten years. It's too many to think, I shut my eyes as the sun sets a little further behind the trees. How will I face Jake? Tell the truth or follow my lie?
* * * * *
"I missed you dropping by the office today Bethany." Dad's tone is quizzing me. I look across the maguey dining table. His eye brow is raised and he's sitting tall as he chews on his bloody steak. I poke at mine, wondering how he eats his rare while I have to have mine cooked well done.
"Yeah, uh, cheerleading ran later than I thought. It won't happen again." I know good and well I would never be able to tell him what I was looking into earlier. I also didn't want to answer questions about stopping by Cameron's grave.
"Okay, see to it that it doesn't. Just because it's my practice and your my daughter doesn't mean I won't fire you."
"Before my first day, jeesh." I try to joke, I smile and peek below my lashes. His face is stern, not a joking night I see.
"Bethany."
"Okay, I know, I'm sorry sir. It will not happen again."
"Good because if you want to learn how a job in the real world works you need to know, no one gets a break. Ever."
"Where's Mom?" I cut my thin piece of meat and pop it into my mouth trying to force food down and the subject to lighten.
"She wasn't feeling well. She ate in her room tonight."
"I hope she feels better, does she need anything from me?" I already know the answer. She's drunk, like every night. She didn't ever need anything from anyone. She only needs Cameron, and maybe for my Dad to actually come around like he still had a family left.
"I'm sure she'll be fine, I am returning to the office tonight to finish my case preparations for court tomorrow. I expect you to stay home."
"Of course, it is a Monday night." For a few seconds all you can hear is a lonely house without laughter to fill it, only the quiet clanging of Dad's silverware against his plate, as I am still just poking my food. "Uh, I was wondering if you heard about the uh-news?" I can't even look up, heat fills my throat and I don't think I will be able to hear his answer over the beating of my heart.
"Of course I saw the news, Bethany I'm a lawyer. I live the news. They only wanted to dig and remind the town of your grandfather if that's what you are referring to." He pops a piece of fat in his mouth. I can hear the chewing change in his rhyme. I feel chills, I hate the fat. "There's no need you should be thinking about that. You're too young, plus they are just trying to put my character on trial since I have this case in courting starting tomorrow." I know he's bringing up the case that will begin tomorrow. Defending a college student who was raped at the beginning of the summer. She was at a party celebrating her completion of her freshman year without flunking out. She is a beautiful blonde, innocent but since she was drunk and wearing a skirt she asked for three frat guys to take turns with her. Dad won't discuss much about how the young girl is doing or what is going on with the evidence. He says it's not my business, it's hers but unfortunately after the trial it will be the world's business, and anyone will have the right to their opinion.
"I didn't think of that. I'm just curious as to if you thought maybe they were right, if maybe-"
"Bethany! That is not even a question, or thought. There is no truth to your grandfather doing such an awful thing nor have an accomplice who is still carrying out his wishes from the grave." His voice shuttered my confidence and I know I won't eat for sure now. I steady my nerves and carry my plate into the kitchen. My steak missing only two small bites and one cut away but left, my green beans untouched, and my mashed potatoes topped with a gravy volcano. Looking so soft I scoop a small piece and let it drop into my mouth deliciously melting letting the warmth sink in. Instead of scrapping my food into the trash I set it up into the microwave, hoping I'll want it before bed - after I let my nerves settle into a normal setting.
I slide out of the kitchen, pass Dad's office, towards the staircase. I just need to be in the safety of my room. I move to the edge of the hallway as I pass Cameron's room, an empty room that use to hold so much love and happiness. Now the door is never open, doesn't see the light. I walk into my room and jump, he's just standing in the light of my closed french doors.
"You scared me!" I'm holding my chest trying to catch my heart of jumping out of its cages, as I open the doors to let him in.
"What's this?" He holds his phone in my face, for some reason before I read his evidence I know I'm in trouble my stomach drops for the second time tonight, 50th for the day I'm sure. I steady his shakingly mad hand, read the tweet from Chase. Love surprise visits from @Betherz00. Well no need in faking being sick anymore, I am certainly feeling a moment of bitter sickness. I taste my lies and they are awful. I guess here goes nothing - a dose of the truth should wash my taste buds clean. I hope.
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