Hidden Secrets

As I drive home I can only think of Jake's face, his smiling face, his lightening blue eyes glistening in the summer sun. How he always takes care of me. My mind wonders to over the summer:

I climbed into bed in the afternoon, after I had taken a hot shower. Trying to clean my nose out and give my head some pressure release. Slipping under the sheets I felt save, but my body ached and wouldn't let me find comfort. Mom had been no help earlier when I told her I felt bad. She'd offered to make me a cocktail that would knock me right out. As much as I'd loved to drink, that was not the time I wanted an alcohol beverage in my system. Once just freaking once I would have loved Mom to be the adult and take care of me. But I hadn't had that Mom since Cameron. I had rolled my eyes and crawled upstairs to shower. In hopes the hot water would help me relax enough to sleep that cold away. Nothing was on TV and the sun shining through my French doors was pissing me off.

  "I've come baring gifts!" Jake had came through my bedroom door, slinging two blue plastic bags on my bed, then pulling off his backpack. 

"What are you doing here?" I smiled and sat up as much as I could.

"What? You said on Twitter you were sick. And when you weren't answering your phone afterwards I figured you could use a sick pack." He reflected my smile and began digging into one of the plastic bags.

"Sick pack?" I raised an eyebrow wondering what the heck that could be, or include.

"Of course!" He pulled out Orange Juice, NyQuil, cards, Cosmopolitan, Vicks vapor rub. Moving to his other plastic bag he pulled out US weekly, two Nerf guns, Snicker minis, and gum. Then digging into his backpack he continued to fill my bed with The Fault in Our Stars, If I Stay, Gone In Sixty Seconds, Dude Where's My Car, Jarhead, his navy football hoodie, black fuzzy socks, and a brown teddy bear. "I think I got the whole package here." He placed a hand on his hip then scratched his head with his other one. "Oh," he runs toward my French doors and closes my thick sheets of blinds. Turning my room black, with only the light from the TV glowing. "Okay we're all set!" He walks back to the foot of my bed searching for the NyQuil and pouring me a full cup, walking it over to watch me take it all. Handing me the Orange Juice after I sucked down the medicine. As I drink the Juice he throws me his hoodie and starts putting the fuzzy socks on each foot. I watch as he puts the snacks and magazines on my bedside table on my side of the bed, places the movies on top of my TV after he plays If I Stay. Setting one Nerf gun on my side and the other on his side with the cards. Lastly handing me the teddy bear and crawling into bed beside me.

"Thank you," I say still looking at his sweet face. He laid down, opening his arm for me to lay my head on his shoulder. I just sit there. I'm so shocked I couldn't lay down. 

"Bethany, why are you looking at me like I've committed an unspeakable crime?"

"I am? I'm not meaning too, I've just never-" I stop just staring at his innocently confused expression. 

"Seriously what's going on?" He moved his hand to rub my back as I was still sitting up, wondering what just happened.

"I've never had someone take care of me." I finally let the words slide out as I laid down at his side with my head on his shoulder. 

"What? Bethany I don't believe you. You have a mother and a father in this house." He kissed my forehead. I close my heavy eyelids.

"You would think they would care some what. But both of them never have had the time for caring, much less time to ask how I'm doing. Which would entail them being active parents. I think they lost that ability when they didn't save my brother." I aimlessly ran my hand up and down his arm as he rubbed my back still with his other hand. 

"I'm sorry you've missed out on being a kid." He kissed my forehead again.

"It's okay I'm use to doing things on my own." I breathed deep, still with my eyes closed. I was feeling out of sorts. My soul didn't feel connected to my body anymore, but I still felt safe. That was the first time I had felt safe in years, probably since the last night Cameron had slept in his bed. 

"You don't have to anymore baby. I'm here and I promise you're not alone." He reached around and hugged me tight. I felt warm and cozy, it's one of those feelings that happen after getting out of a hot shower on a summer night and putting in cool PJ's slipping into bed on freshly washed sheets. Everything was perfect and felt in place. 

"I love you," they were out before I thought about them. Because I felt them before I had time to overthink it. Plus I was too heavily intoxicated with NyQuil and happiness with the fear or worry that was supposed to come along feelings of admitting love, first.

"I think I've loved you all my life, you're just not only in my dreams now." I smiled as he whispered the toxic cocktail of words. Drifting to sleep I knew he would always be my everything. I also knew our age was odd for us to find each other, but God gives you the people you need in life at the time you need them the most. And though I would have liked to met my soulmate later in life, or so I thought that's when I wanted to meet him, I was given him years earlier. I know it's because I needed him now and would forever need him. He protected me the way a father should protect his child, he adored me the way a mother should adore her child, and he gave me the respect and understand a best friend gives their best friend. I understood at that moment as I let the rush of darkest overcome me that he was all the family I would need. And I would never be able to live without this beautiful human being. 

The tears are steaming endlessly down my face. No one has said anything as we pull up to my house. Lemon and Brad rode with me, I think they saw me losing my cool and driving off a cliff. Or finding one to escape off of. I would laugh at the thought but I have no energy. I stare out my windshield, my mind racing so fast I can't focus on one thought. Where is he? Is he safe? What would make him leave school? Who would he do this for? What is he doing? Is he hiding something? Could he be hiding something? Will I see him again? Will he tell me about this? I move my hands from the steeling wheel to pull my cell phone out of my pocket. Clear screen still, I stare at it, hoping for something different. Trying to focus all my energy on a text a phone call anything from Jake right now would be amazing. I roll my eyes and let out my breath I've been unwillingly holding. 

"What can we do?" Lemon's voice is quiet like she'll awaken a beast I'm trying to hold in. I close my eyes letting more water fall and shake my head, wanting to say nothing but knew the words would be empty.

"We can go looking for him?" Brad voices from the backseat. I actually laugh.

"Where? Please tell me where we should or could start? He doesn't have his vehicle. We don't know who he's with, if he's with someone or just walking somewhere." I'm sitting up just screaming at my best friend. My eyes wide looking back at Brad. His face is innocent and hopefully. Like he'll be able to fix this if I just believe in him. I remember that same look nine years ago when he came over with his parents after a search party was sent out looking for Cameron. He came up to my room, I was sitting on my small bed holding my baseball glove. The only thing I could say to Brad when he walked in was, "Cameron really wants this glove. I don't know why. I think he thinks it's magic because I catch everything that comes my way. I'm going to wrap it and give it to him when we find him." I looked up at him - his face just stared at me, looking as though I had an answer to give him and we'd make that whole problem all better. A couple of kids believing the grown ups would fix everything. "Wanna help me wrap it?" He smiled and shook his head yes. We spent the rest of the night wrapping it perfectly and writing a note of love. That same guy is sitting in my backseat, still here to be whatever I needed him to be.

"I'm sorry," I sling my hand behind my and touch his arm. "Thank you both." I look over at Lemon. They both smile a comforting, distorted way that scares me instead of putting me at ease. 

"We will go look for him, and you can go inside and make some calls. Maybe call your Dad?" Lemon says as she opens her door, Brad follows her cue and steps out too. 

"Yeah, and we will keep in touch every 20 minutes." Brad's face lights up as I crawl out of my driver's side.

"Thanks guys, maybe we just go in have some tea and map out a plan. I'll call Dad first. Then we can spread our wings." I slap Brad's shoulder as he shuts my door.

"Tea?" Lemon makes a face as she crosses her arm to mine. Are you feeling yourself face?

"What? Doesn't tea relax you?" I question thinking I know I don't need coffee. I'm already pretty wired. The sun is warm, and the wind is breezing through my hair as we walk up my sidewalk to my front porch. We pour into the front door and stop suddenly as we hear voices from Dad's office. "Jake?" I blurt out and release my arm from Lemon's. Ghostly walking towards Dad's shut door, as excited as I am to hear Jake's voice my legs feel like jello. Relief washing over me I might pass out. Lightly knocking on the door, voices hush, and I knock again.

"Come in," his voice is low, demanding. To the point type tone. I push the door open anyway, not caring what he wants for once. I look around. Dad is sitting behind his desk, pen in hand peering up at me. I glance around his book shelves and corners. No one - just him. I'm going crazy.

"I just - uh - I thought I heard." I stop and straighten up, waving my hands to reset myself. "Dad I kinda lost Jake." Seriously the only words I could find were those. I know that sounds stupid, but I know Dad loves Jake. Sometimes I think he loves Jake more than me. I look at Dad as he sets his pen down and leans back in his chair.

"Lost Jake? Is he a purse?"

"What? No, I just meant-"

"Yes Bethany I know what you meant," he cuts me off. Tone sharp, cutting my skin. "You didn't lose him. He got himself into some trouble. He was here earlier. I'm sure he's home or needing time alone somewhere right now." Dad picks his pen back up and waves his hand at me, like I'm a client and we are done with our professional time together.

"But his truck is still here." My heart may jump out of my chest. I can't believe I just said that to him. Questioning Dad is always a bad idea.

"Bethany, Jake is his own person. Y'all are kids, stop being a drama queen, claiming you lost a person. When he wants to talk he will. Now I have work to do." He points to the door and continues writing. I turn on my heels, wanting to slam the door behind me. I don't, I close it holding the handle behind my back as I lean against it after I hear it click. Lemon and Brad are staring at me. I hear their voices but can't section out the words they are saying. My thoughts are streaming again. I look upward trying to catch one, but I can't. Trouble? What kind? He goes to my Dad? Before me? Over me? Where did he go? And before I could think of something else I push off the door and rush pass Lemon and Brad. Winding the corner, taking the steps two at a time. Skipping down the hallway, almost tripping as I slow to turn into my room. There he's sitting on my bed, holding my wrapped glove. He looks so beautiful in the setting sunlight, his head sets up toward me. I walk over to him and drop to my knees in front of him as I see the outline of dried tears on his checks.

"There's a lot we haven't shared with each other Bethany." I look up at him as his words wash over me. Is he questioning me? My past I haven't shared? My investigating behind his back? I feel extremely warm and a lump of guilt gets stuck in my throat. "I've kept some secrets." What?