Blooming Shadows

Standing in the mirror, my eyes stay focused on my hair - half waving, half straight. I can't make it do either all the way. A whole year and a half dating this man, and I can't seem to shake these butterflies in my stomach. They continue to fuss inside me, not being able to find an escape. I try closing my eyes and breathing deep, opening my eyes to a mess with my hair. It's like another girl woke this morning and she's appeared on the outside of my body instead of the bright eyed girl I'm use to seeing. I redo my make up 3 times before I just give up all together. Okay girl you have got to get yourself together. It's just Jake! Just Jake! Chill out and breath - he loves you, you love him. It'll go great - just fringing relax! I scream the words inside my head. Leaning over the bathroom sink, ducking my head down to stare at the ivory color and the clear silver. Seeing my face extremely tiny inside the facet. "I hope you look better in that world than over here." I say aloud.

"What?" Lemon pokes her head inside the bathroom, I spin around leaning against the sink to steady my turn.

"Oh nothing - I was just trying to give myself a pep talk." I smile.

"Okay but Bethany you should never need one of those."

"What? Everyone needs a pep talk at least once a day."

"Yeah sure but you're not everyone. You're like this girl who use to be a princess back in every past life she has ever had." Lemon steps all the way inside the bathroom and turns me around to face the mirror again. She runs her hands through my hair. I get instant chills. Playing with my hair feels so amazing, though I think it's that way for all girls. I'm the only one I know who gets visible chill bumps. I always say to myself it's because neither one of my parents played with my hair as a child. I can remember them checking for ticks after a long day of Cameron and I playing outside, in the woods and the fields behind and beside our house. I had just gotten to the age of wanting Mom to braid my hair and Dad brush it after a hot bath when Cameron left us. Everything good seem to go with him at that age. Lemon continues to smooth my hair, using my straightener every few moments. Giving my half waves, fullness. After my hair looks amazing she moves to sweep my face with loose powder then bronzer around my cheek bones and chin. Brushing my eyebrows, and blending my dark eye shadow with a tan color. Now my smoky eyes look smoky instead of scary. Finally she lines my lips with a light lip gloss. "There see - you're perfect as always."

"Thanks Lemon. I actually look like myself now." Which I do, I see myself and not the homely girl who stared at my only a few minutes ago. 

"Now what are you going to wear?" She moves into my closet. Not once asking why tonight was so different from all the other date nights Jake and I had went on. She just acts as if this were mine and his first night out together. She had helped me this same exact way. Though the mood was much more giggling and what if's were flying out of our mouths every other sentence. I smile thinking of that magical night. I follow Lemon into the closet, watching her already scanning through my clothes.

"Why haven't you asked me why I'm being weird about tonight?" I lean against the framing of my closet and look at Lemon. She stops searching through my clothes and turns my way.

"We may not discuss things like normal girlfriends, but I know when something is different. I know you have a reason behind what you're feeling. I'm not here to judge or question you. I'm your best friend and in that role I just act without hounding you for information." She smiles and goes right back to looking in my clothes. "Here perfect." She pulls out my turquoise romper. It's usually my always go to outfit. Pulls my tan out and highlights my auburn hair and eyes. "And this," she hands me both my romper and my cream colored shaw, which has arm holes and lays over my front longer than my back. I use to call it my protection. When I felt nervous or insecure I would wrap it around my body and feel pretty again. Lemon is the only person in the whole world who knows that secret. Jake doesn't even know, which now a days Jake didn't know a lot about what's going on inside my life. I have a feeling he wouldn't be as chill about me not talking as Lemon is being. Though they are both my best friend in life, Jake is titled twice so I'm sure he'll always want more information from me. Which I can't blame him - I want more from him as well - I expect more. I don't agree with people saying not to expect things from anyone and you'll never be disappointed. That's not the point of relationships. Or friendships. Expectation is the result of responsibility. And loving people and having them in your life gives them responsibility. Never give let people off the hook because there's a stupid saying out there saying it's your fault for expecting something from someone. 

"Thanks for being my support, Lemon. You're always this amazing light that seems to lead me home." I walk over and take the clothes she's holding up and imaging me or herself wearing them. I hug her almost smacking myself in the face with the hangers, I laugh and she follows. Even if we are laughing at separate things, we are together on the same happy road and in the end that's really the only thing that matters.

"Okay go get ready, he'll be here soon and you still need jewelry." She slaps my butt playfully and I scurry off to my bathroom portion of the room. Not shutting the door - because frankly I know how scary it is in my closet with the door shut. Even though it's large in size there's no windows, maybe that's only frightening to me, but I didn't want to pretend she feels differently about being in a cage than me. I slip my tee over my head and pull my shorts off. Stepping into my romper and pulling it up. One arm at a time through the tank sleeves of the romper. Lastly slinging on my shaw. I feel ready. I peak back in to tell Lemon I don't need jewelry but she's already walking to me. "Here." She hooks my triple silver chains holding a turquoise emerald, and hands me my double ring that holds an anchor with a turquoise rope that weaves in and out of the anchor. I set it on my left hand, finishing off my look with my rose colored Michael Kors watch. 

"I think I'm ready." I smile to Lemon. 

"I agree, and good thing because he'll be here any minute. Text me later with details." She hollers as she disappears out of my bathroom. I turn to return to my closet to my full length mirror. Twisting and turning to make sure I like every angle of outfit. Okay I think I feel a little better. I haven't felt my butterflies stirring up trouble in the last bit. Well that was until now, as I'm stepping into my black woven sandals. It's Jake, why am I so nervous? My thoughts are just running wild, where are we going? Is this like our first date? Is he mad with me? He won't leave me right? He said he would never leave. My heart is about to jump out of my chest.

"Oh wow, you look stunning babe." I turn sharply to see him standing in my bathroom. Fresh pressed tee, recently washed hair, tan shorts, and his feet out in some flip flops. His smile eases my nerves and feels like home again. I walk over and fall into his awaiting arms.

"You smell nice," I breath him in and feel the warmth off his skin and clothes. Goose bumps run up and down my arms, and I feel my hair growing on my legs. 

"Ready?" He pulls away and grabs my hand. I follow him out of my bathroom into the hallway. Down the stairs, out the door to his truck. He slides in behind the wheel, bringing my hand to his lips. For a sharp moment nothing seems to have changed. I feel warm and happy, mine and Jake's relationship is easy again. We ride down the road in silence. Welcoming my thoughts to travel down crazy roads. I look out the window, seeing the sunsetting into pink and purple shades. Thinking of what Jake could possible be thinking. Does he wonder about how different his life would be if his childhood would have been normal? What his personality would be like now? How his experiences would be different? "So are you feeling better?"

"Yeah, I wasn't feeling too awful earlier." I come back to the here and now. Letting my thoughts linger away.

"That's good." He stops at the stop light and places his arm behind me on my headrest.

"Hmmm uh." I agree. He presses the gas as the light turns green. 

"Well you didn't miss anything at school." 

"That's good." I notice how my emotion from the beginning of our night is quite different and we aren't even out of the car ride yet.

"It was weird being there without you of course." 

"I can't imagine." I didn't even know we were pulling into LaTera. The high windows in the front, my favorite restaurant in town because it over looks some water in the back while you eat dinner. 

"Okay," he slams into park and turns off the engine. Looking over at me, "what's wrong? And by wrong, I mean what's been going over for the last week. I know things are different. That's not why I told you about my past Bethany. It was supposed to bring us closer. Right now you are making me regret telling you and that was not the feeling I wanted afterwards." His tone is sharp, to the point. I've never heard this side of Jake before. I'm not afraid, just sad. I never would have thought I would be causing the pain that echoes through his words. I'm so ashamed.

"You're right, I'm sorry Jake." I turn in my seat, letting my left leg crease on the seat. "I have not idea why I have acted like such a jerk. Scared, confusion, I honestly do not know."

"What are you confused about?" His hand lands on my knee. Triggering my honesty to want to be heard.

"How you seem so normal, so happy. How you trust people and just go through life as if your past were just like anyone else's."

"Oh Bethany, looks can be such a trickery action. Haven't you ever heard never judge a book by it's cover?"

"Well of course, but you have hide a piece for so long I would have never guessed anything bad ever happened to you."

"That's because I choose to be happy. I want to better future for myself. What happened to me isn't going to define the rest of my life. I want to grow and explore what else life can hold. And for the most part life has been amazing. I couldn't be happier having a loving girlfriend, great friends, a future looks pretty damn great right now." His smile escalates across his face, reflecting such a beautiful happiness. I smile back, a smile I know is mine and true. One that was only brought into my life after meeting Jake. I finally see his past should be showing me how I can overcome such a tragedy happening in life. That one event no matter how big, and how sad and life changing it shouldn't take over my life. It shouldn't sever a life from blooming and growing. He is still my light of hope, here to  show me that life is about what I make it, and Jake has never acted as if he came from a bad childhood because here and now are the moments that matter. And if you don't grab them and use them to see positive gifts they'll soon be gone. Leaving darkness everywhere all the time, until there's no direction light is shining anymore. 

"You're exactly right, as always. I don't know why I'm so lucky to have you in my life and still by my side. I'm sorry for being childish." His hand finds my cheek, his thumb rubs it as I lean into him. Now I see all the questions I thought of earlier, the ones I wondered if he would ask himself, are questions I ask myself often. Something I now will get to talk to him about. I will now get to see how he lets himself be happy without drowning in what if's of the past.

"Did you see the news yet?" He asks as he turns and opens his door.

"No, why?" I follow his lead and hop out.

"There's been another murder."

"What?" I freeze as Jake walks to my side.

"Yeah, I think your Dad was defending him. Mark Aaron. He was on trial for killing that sixteen year old from the town over."

"I know what you're talking about." I zone out as I remember Dad being in his office yesterday. He was telling someone how he knew he wasn't going to win the case. Something needed to be done because Mark had admitted to committing the crime. The evidence just wasn't there for the prosecution. I feel blackness around the corners of my eyes. Whoever Dad was on the phone with has to be the person on the loose linked to these string of murders. I feel my legs leave the earth as I think about Dad being a part of it.

"Bethany?" Is the last thing I hear before everything does dark.